garbage

my little, red, ford focus, tj (named after the elderly man who sold it to me), has just recently taken on a new name: the sleigh. this name came about on christmas eve as my mom, brother, sister, and i were piling our groceries into my car from the third (yes, third) grocery store we had visited that evening. we felt like four sardines packed inside a sardine can...bags of groceries weaving in and out of our confined space. to my mom’s credit, she cleverly referred to my car as “santa’s sleigh”, a befitting name for two reasons. one, because my car is both compact and red. two, because one could imagine the bountiful bags of groceries in my car to be the bags of presents santa hauls to children around the world.

as far as i know, i am sure that no one operates santa’s sleigh besides santa himself. unfortunately for me, i am not so lucky. i am all too familiar with the “vehicle shuffling” that results from a family unit with three people, three separate jobs, and only two cars. that said, i wasn’t surprised when my dad had arranged for him to drop me off at work this morning so that he could take the sleigh to his own place of work. but what did surprise me, however, was what awaited me inside the car...

bags and bags of trash. i aint joking. my dad was actually proud of the fact that he had thought of filling up my car this morning so that he could swing by the old house and have plenty for the trash man to take on trash day. lovely. i don’t think santa ever had to put up with something like this in his career, correct me if i’m wrong.

12.25.2009

from our tree to yours...





...and a glimpse of our post-present-opening morning (i instated the rule a few years back that there is absolutely no cleaning until the last gift is opened. i prefer a carpet littered with wrapping, styrofoam shapes, and empty boxes... much to my mother's dismay).

merry christmas.

your blinker is your ammunition

this afternoon i made a poor decision: i decided to go shopping at the mall.

there, in the parking lot, is where every christmas shopper's adventure begins, because even indiana jones would have a hard time locating a parking spot. i think drivers in mall parking lots may be at their most alert state--hands on the steering wheel...eyes darting in every which direction, looking for shoppers shuffling their keys or signs of human life inside a vehicle.


it's a jungle out there. but instead of feeding on the weak, we opt for the strong, because they are more likely to accurately locate their car and exit in a speedy fashion. rookie mistake number one is choosing an elderly person as your victim because the mall will close by the time they back out of their parking space. another common mistake is following the herd of cars in front of you too closely. you have to keep your distance so that you can catch shoppers who happen to be parked between you and the next car.


and isn't it funny how when we are the ones driving we are always frustrated when people zig-zag their way through the aisles to reach their own car? it makes it incredibly difficult for us to plan our parking strategy. but when we are in the other person's shoes, don't we do the same thing? it's like the driver/pedestrian relationship: when a driver we hate the pedestrian, but when a pedestrian we hate the driver.

i actually was lucky enough today to witness an animal attack, figuratively speaking. the suv directly ahead of me and the car facing us on the other side of the lane were both vying for the same spot. both drivers had their blinkers on, neither one relinquishing their position. and we all know that your blinker is your only ammunition, unless you are a complete douche-bag. i waited there, wishing i had a video camera to capture the scene that was about to unfold before my eyes. as the parked car was pulling out, both vehicles crept their way forward. the car facing me darted into the space while the car in front of me-just a beat behind the other-did the same thing, horn blaring the entire time, inches away from colliding. i smiled to myself and thought, now i'm in a christmasy mood. anyone for hot cocoa?

a white whine

as i was reading these words from my monday post...

"back to the reason why the past twelve days have been rough...my family is in the final stages of moving into our brand new home."

...i couldn't help but think to myself, did i just commit perhaps the largest white whine ever? if you are not familiar with the term i just dropped, a "white whine" is
a complaint made by an overprivileged white person, most commonly an american.

i mean, let's review for a second what i was saying on monday: basically that it has been really rough on my family, ya know, this whole moving into a brand new house in a gated community and all. cry me a river is what i think most people would say to that. could be on par with comments like:

"why do the cleaning ladies always have to be here the mornings i can sleep innnn?"

and certainly:

"i hate that fiji water is square-shaped. it won’t fit in my cup holder."

(both courtesy of whitewhine.com)

white whines will usually slip-out uncontested, unless of course you have a sister like mine who will point them out to you. we laugh about it, and then we move on. it's like a brief moment in our lives when we can pause, reflect, and be thankful for how good we really have it. i had to wake up at 4:20 a.m. this morning to be at work from 5:00 a.m. until 1:30 p.m...but after that i drove straight home and buried myself underneath my covers...caught in that moment between a shiver and being the warmest thing in the world.

home is where the...

wow. absolutely unacceptable that i haven't written in twelve days. judging by what i am doing at this very moment you wouldn't believe me when i tell you that the last twelve days have been nothing short of stressful. but if you walked into my room right now you would find that i have crawled back into bed on this monday afternoon because...because i can. i have the day off. and even though i have the day off from work i feel as if i am playing hooky. i'm up to track 16 (silent night)on kenny g's christmas album and every so often i can't help but peer out my window to see if i can spot a deer walking in the woods.

back to the reason why the past twelve days have been rough...my family is in the final stages of moving into our brand new home. mom received the house key last week and has been wearing it on a chain around her neck ever since (well, since i told her that she looked like a rapper with that ridiculous thing on. it has recently been converted into a bracelet). anyhow, the house really isn't finished yet and we are all just trying to feel at home here.

you know what helped? my mom just came in and yelled at me for leaving clothes unfolded in the other room, proof that family bickering doesn't just magically go away with new walls and fresh paint. nope. we still raise our voices and we still fight about the same things, even though a little part of us all thought that that wouldn't be the case. so home is where the...fighting is? sounds about right.

much more to come!

fresh

i have this list. a list of all the things i would like to blog about (did i just become one of those people who uses "blog" as a verb?). and, of course, my list is categorized. categorized according to levels of urgency. some of my thoughts are written under "get off my chest this week" while others can be postponed until sometime "in the near future". despite my efforts, i've been absolutely horrible at following this time table because new events keep popping up, out of turn so to speak. like this afternoon, when my dad couldn't remember where he put his shoes to dry and then pulled them out of the oven. or earlier in the day, when i learned that even having a conversation about something as innocuous as coffee at work inevitably turns into some sexual innuendo (my co-worker seems to think that decaf coffee is like masturbation...why not go out and get the real thing?). so then i have to decide whether to stick to my schedule or write about the things that are more fresh in my mind. hence, the "fresh" category, one that can only exist in my head, never on paper.

today's freshness...

i think that my inability to stick to a pre-arranged schedule is just another reminder that plans are destined to change. the world is not going to just sit back and make sure all our daily lives are followed according to plan. in fact, i think the world is doing everything in its power to screw up our plans. it took me a very long time to realize this phenomenon. i used to believe that if i planned i would be prepared and successful. ask my friends and teammates from college and they will tell you that i planned my ass off. in fact, i planned so much it often pissed them off...took the spontaneity out of things i suppose. only recently have i come to the actualization that the secret to being prepared and successful is not merely planning, but adapting. adapting to what life throws at us...because change is inevitable.

so if you must make a plan, plan for that plan to change. because it will. and if you can adapt without feeling resentment toward others or the world, you'll be much better off than i have been in the past.

oh, and keep it fresh. no one likes a stale idea.

water runs dry

i can feel my blood pressure finally leveling off, my heart rate slowing down...even though the beverage i am currently drinking is technically a stimulant. i am in my happy place now, but i had to escape a deadly war zone and drive twenty minutes to get here...

i was already in a bitter mood when i walked into my front door this afternoon. it wasn’t the fact that i had worked eight hours but that i had received my first paycheck at the end of those eight hours and, well, enough said. someone forgot to add that extra zero. i rushed by my parents without saying hello and headed upstairs to change into sweats. then i went into the bathroom to “wash the day off,” or splash cool water on my face, something that never gave me the same satisfaction as it does now that i am a working girl. let me ask you this: have you ever positioned your head low in the bathroom sink, turned on the faucet, closed your eyes, and outstretched the palm of your hands only to realize a second later that no water is coming out? well, it’s a disconcerting feeling. “no water!?” i yelled in frustration. my mom had done it again: arranged for the water to be shut off in our townhouse before we actually were moved out of the house. i walked downstairs, royally pissed off, to face mom and dad. a war was erupting in our kitchen as my parents exchanged insults and excuses. i tried the best i could to silence out the crackling of bomb shells but that proved too difficult a task for me. besides, there was just so much to be upset about: no water, no television, no internet, and my mom had just finished off the last of the frozen peas. i guess now is a good time to also mention that our dryer is broken, so our upstairs resembles the alleyways in chinatown, san francisco. i took shelter in the corner of the kitchen and began to eat chocolate chip after chocolate chip (something i now realize i do when i am either stressed, dying of boredom, or apparently talking to my friend from home because i did that yesterday and polished off half a bag). anyways, at one point i told my dad to shut up, for which he quickly responded, “you tell me to shut up and you can move out”. talk about a weapon of mass destruction. i guess this is what it has come down to? i thought only live-in couples said this to one another...

well, after polishing off my lunch, i packed up my things and got the hell out of there. i’ve learned that sometimes the best thing to do is leave a family warzone, not stay and contribute to it. i don’t plan on returning until well after dark. when the dust has settled. and the water is turned back on.

recent developments

so the grandparents were just dropped off at the airport to return to their home in ithaca, new york. now it's just me and the parents once again. i have to admit though...i prefer to be the center of attention. it takes more chirping on my part to get what i want when there are other birds in the house. however, they don't spring for the good cheese and wine when it's just me around, so having company is great in that respect. the highlights of my grandparents visit would have to include me knocking their socks off when i set up an online show for them to watch on my computer, finding out that my dad had served them breakfast fixings on a baking sheet, and listening to my brother still quote "that's what she said" at the dinner table.

a wonderful discovery was made by my dad this afternoon. he was dropped off at the house so that he could catch the kick-off for the carolina game when... no t.v. signal. and on top of that, no internet connection. we both knew what had happened. my mom had prematurely canceled our cable and internet and had forgotten to re-schedule the date. my dad was furious. he had to control his anger though since my grandpa was reading in the adjacent room (thank god for that). i feel his pain, and i'm beginning to feel my own pain as the reality of the situation is slowly sinking in...no more coming home from work and relaxing in front of the television. no more checking my e-mail or perusing the internet when i feel like it. no more cake boss. this really blows. i feel like i could reasonably adjust to having either no cable or no internet for a while (i've done it before). but losing both? criminal. and i feel like the biggest 21st century pansy when i say that, but everyone has things in their lives that are hard to live without. for the remote huli tribe inhabiting the forests of papua new guinea, i'm guessing it's their ipod shuffles.

in other news, i'm eagerly awaiting word from two credit card companies that i applied to last week. since i've had a stable checking and savings account for years, i've always ignored the onslaught of credit card applications that have come my way, weary of the fine print that so many have fallen victim to. but my dad urged me to begin to build my own credit, so i met with a banker to discuss my options...the few that i have. apparently i can only be trusted with about 800 dollars. at least now i know what i'm worth. whether i'll be approved or declined to receive a credit card lies in the hands of some squirly man with a gut i suppose.

also, i am currently sipping on a medium house coffee with 2.5 sugar packets (i figure the larger size warrants a little more sugar) and moderately enjoying it!

also also, i have been rummaging through books that speak to our age group (like i promised) but i cannot reveal my findings just yet...need more time to give you a quality book report. patience is a virtue.

signing off from a deserted caribou coffee shop...

happy
thanksgiving!

an aerial shot of the goods. i contributed the cornbread, sweet potato pie souffle, and the drinking of the wine...more than i have ever contributed to a thanksgiving dinner. but out on the west coast, my sister made her very first pumpkin pie...you make me so proud!

slightly stoopid

my tuesday has been, well, challenging for several reasons. actually, stupid might be the more accurate word. let me tell you the four stupid things i did today:

first stupid thing: forgot my lunch in my car. this would normally not be a big deal had my mom not decided to surprise me this morning by accompanying me to work so that she could use the car later. family is in town for thanksgiving, so you know how that goes. oh yah, and my wallet was with my lunch...so i survived eight hours on coffee, a tear of bread, and the arm and leg of a small, gingerbread man.

second stupid thing: i spent the last couple hours at work shadowing someone at the register (so that i can be trained in more areas within the company...which means more hours, which means more money, which means i'm happy). during this time i spotted a girl sporting a unc field hockey shirt and, since reading the paper is my thing, i happened to know that her team had just clinched the national title. seeing this as a great opportunity to make a customer connection, i congratulated her championship status. then i proceeded to ask her if they knew who they were playing next. wtf? that was embarrassing.

third stupid thing: six hours into work with two remaining...my boss asks me if i have taken a break and, if not, that i can go ahead and take it now. i reply, "naw, i'm actually good." he asks me if i'm sure twice, then says that this will be my only break for the day. i assure him that i don't need one and go back to shadowing the cashier. "wow, that new girl...she really toughs it out for the good of the company!" hmm more like, "wow, that new girl...she really needs to sit down and eat something". note to self: unless i'm working in a corporate building with enough stories to successfully commit suicide off of, i don't think skipping breaks is going to impress anyone.

fourth stupid thing: the first thing i did when i got home was inhale some granola and yogurt and swap my work clothes for sweats. then i grabbed a cotton ball to cleanse my face...only what i thought was toner was actually nail polish remover. my face felt normal again after the initial burning sensation wore off.

and it's only just shy of 3:00 p.m.

just a spoon full of sugar

even though there is now less than seven hours standing between me and my future self driving to work at 5:10 in the piss-ass morning, i just wanted to tell you that my official two-a-day training started today! and no, i'm not talking about the true meaning of the phrase as it refers to athletes who must undergo two grueling workouts each day for an indiscriminate amount of time...i'm referring to my most recent "live a healthier lifestyle" undertaking, which is to cut back on my sugar intake. since sugar really is the devil (thank you author of skinny bitch), and since i will never, ever, no matter how hard i try, end my love affair with my sugary bff named chocolate (can you say m&m binging episodes?), i want to nix it from just my coffee routine alone.

the (oh-so-pretty) enemy?
sugar crystals.

the goal?
sugar-free java in two weeks!

the training regiment?
one week (starting today) of limiting myself to just two sugar packets per serving of coffee
then
one week (starting next monday) of limiting myself to just one sugar packet per serving of coffee

ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

not all those who wander are lost. -jrr tolkien

there are few things in life that bring us to a state of total complacency. for me, one of the ways in which i arrive at this peaceful place is by going on long walks. all it takes is a pair of running shoes, my ipod, and no time constraint whatsoever. that last element is essential because i can’t fully relax if i have to be somewhere in the near future. i park tj, my little red car, and hide the keys in some nearby bushes (stealth). the phone is left in the car because i like the idea of being inaccessible in a world of constant accessibility, even if it is for only a couple of hours. i stick those white iconic ear buds into my ears and begin walking. no course to follow. no plan of action. this is one of the rare moments in my life when i free myself from my obsession to plan ahead and let my surroundings do it for me instead.

last sunday afternoon was when i last took one of these walks. starting at a familiar coffee shop, i ventured downtown and then towards the unc campus. my mind wandered as my feet wandered across the academic quad, around the bell tower, and pass the football stadium. i became immersed in a herd of people (who i later realized were all headed towards the dean dome for a tar heel basketball game) walking towards unfamiliar territory. they lead me to an open courtyard encircled with brick buildings, one of which contained tables with oh-so familiar green umbrellas attached to them. any true java junkie would immediately know that a starbucks lurked ahead. so i left the herd in pursuit of this potential goldmine, and what i found was all i could hope for...including this comfy brown chair that i am currently sitting in, indian-style. plenty of space, plenty of outlets, and free internet access in a student-infested starbucks. what a perfect little place, i thought. the youthful and scholarly composition of the room gave me a sense of comfort reminiscent of my college days...without the ten-page paper due before thanksgiving break.

so for now, let me be a unc student among the rest of them. let me re-capture my memories perched at a table littered with books and papers. let me be a student once again, because sometimes i just miss being able to call myself one.

11.19.2009.

happy anniversary to me!

it has been six months since i woke up for the first time as a boomeranger in my parent's house. on that may summer day i really didn't foresee myself living here for as long as i have. but here i am...still picking up bananas, bread, and half-and-half at the market to bring home to my parents. still fighting for the rights to the downstairs television during that crucial 7-10p.m. time slot. and, miraculously, still happy to be saying "good morning" and "goodnight" to mom and dad. well, happy most of the time.

i wish i had started a mood chart for myself six months ago...it would likely resemble an EKG reading gone haywire. and if i had been enrolled in any type of clinical trial for the past half-year, i would've likely been diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder. "i'm not psychologically unstable!" i would have protested, "just confused, and lonely, and yes, i can become very upset one minute and turn angry the next, but that's normal, right!?" well i can't say for sure. i think the just-out-of-college segment of our population is being ignored. where in the literature can you find fellow twenty-somethings offering their reflections, thoughts, and advice on leaving the college bubble? book after book about "how to craft the perfect resume and land your dream job" just don't cut it. i've read that kind of cookie-cutter crap. they don't talk about how motivation, personal values, and relationships factor into the kind of person we think we want to be and the kind of person we really are. i mean, if you don't already know that you should probably remove your nose ring before attending an interview, then go and buy one of these books. waste your money.

so i basically just spent the last paragraph bashing career-related self-help books. i don't mean to say that there aren't some decent ones out there, i just think they are few and far between. a quality book that comes to mind is the one i have quoted several times in previous entries called, 20 something 20 everything: a quarter-life woman's guide to balance and direction.(sorry dudes). but that is simply not enough. in the coming weeks i am going to make it a personal mission to scour the shelves at borders for anything that speaks to what people my age are going through. if i'm going to make the claim that the literature sucks, i should be able to back it up. besides, i've been meaning to go to the bookstore so that i can read all the latest magazines free of charge...yah, i'm one of those people.

the butt-bag

hmmm, so where do i begin? i guess i could start by telling you that thanks to my recent employment status, i have now gained the rights to use the professional jargon that you folks take for granted. you know what i'm talking about...phrases like "i just got off work" and "i'll call you on my lunch break". i still feel funny every time these words leave my mouth. i must say that even though i've only "gone to work" for four days, the pressure and anxiety that followed me while i was trying to fill that void in my life has been lifted from my shoulders. whether i start my shift at 5:30 or 7:00 in the morning, by the time i'm done, most of the day is still waiting to be spent. i feel a new surge of accomplishment when it's only 2 o'clock and i already have eight hours of work under my belt (and i really do have to wear a belt). look at it this way: even if i come home from work and do nothing but lie down and stare at the ceiling before going to bed, i've still had a productive day. amazing.

one of the downsides to my early morning working schedule is that i can no longer spend the mornings partying with my parents. if you are confused by my choice of words, i am referring to the "parties" my family has in the a.m. that involve a ridiculously large pot of coffee, some sort of breakfast food, and the newspaper (you can refer to my previous entry i wrote in july called "let's have a party"). now that i have to report to work, our weekday parties have dwindled from three persons to two. and i think my absence makes a pretty big difference considering that it leaves two people who have already seen one another in the mornings for over twenty-five years-talk about been there, done that. what a self-centered child i am, you might be thinking...but i can prove to you that they have already begun to miss my presence.

exhibit a: saturday morning. you can taste the increased pressure in the room to make this weekend kick-off party a hit. when my mom and i leave the to putter around upstairs, my dad makes the comment that everyone is deserting the party too early.
exhibit b: sunday morning (today). i leave the comfort of my warm and toasty bed to investigate the sounds emanating from the kitchen (my mom is the antithesis of a quiet cook). there i discover that she is baking currant and almond muffins. she asks me not once, but twice whether i will be having a morning party here at the house. i assure her that i will stay her for a bit before heading out. we turn on some country music to entice my dad into coming down from upstairs.

see! they miss me. and i miss our parties too, but i don't miss NOT making money. no sir. and i think that having to wait for the weekend to have our morning ritual will make them that much more special.

so here's a reality bite: i am twenty-two years old and starting my first-ever work week tomorrow morning. that means waking up early five days in a row (gasp) and putting on a spiffy hat, apron, and this:



this is my name-tag. everyone working had to make one of these when they attended their initial orientation, but not everyone still wears theirs (after two months you graduate from laminated to metal i.d. tags). let me tell you that everyday last week at least one person commented on my name-tag. i got everything from "how long did that take you to make?" to "you are unique" to simply "i love your name tag!" apparently no one has ever strayed from the name-tag "status quo" of writing their name on a white backdrop. anyone who knows me would not be surprised that i reversed this tired color scheme. i mean it really pops, doesn't it? edgy but still classy, and no shirt underneath could possibly clash with it. brilliant. these people have no idea who they hired.

another reason why they should just get used to my brilliance: last friday i discovered a resourceful and creative way to sample the various breads the bakery makes. you see, loaves of fresh-out-of-the-oven bread are placed on a large rack to cool and be sliced by an employee. i was that employee on friday, and besides slicing and packaging the bread, i am instructed to throw out the end pieces, or “butts”. i cringed every time i had to throw perfectly good bread in the trash. that’s when i thought to myself, “hey, i’m going to save these butts so that i can sample them all later.” i began salvaging the pieces in a separate bag, the “butt bag”, or “bag of butts” if you prefer (i’m not sure which name conjures up the more pleasant mental image).

when i told my co-worker about it he asked if i was poor. seriously? i call it ingenious resourcefulness. the company’s trash is my treasure. besides, i’m one of those people who consider the ends to be the best part of the loaf, just as i think brownie edges are the best part of the brownie pan and muffin tops are the best part of the muffin.

i am reminded of a seinfeld episode where elaine and her boss start a new bakery that only sells the tops of muffins (top of the muffin to you!). they begin to accumulate a whole lot of muffin bottoms which elaine decides they should donate to a food shelter. to her dismay, the social worker gives her an ear-full about how insensitive and inhumane her “donation” is. needless to say, she refuses to accept the top-less muffins. now, i know that my work donates unused goods at the end of the day, but this excludes the butts of course. if donated, could bread butts meet the same ill fate as muffin bottoms did in the seinfeld episode? could they ever be a profitable product? i say we add the “butt bag” right beside the holiday bread and other packaged items. who’s with me!?

when in doubt, tell your manager.

so i had my first day of work today. There were definitely moments when i felt useless and dumb (i followed a co-worker around all morning like a puppy dog), but other times when i felt competent and strangely comfortable in my new environment. by the end of my eight-hour shift i was assembling boxes like it was my god-given talent (108 in all). let’s rewind though for a second...

...as i walked into work today i told myself that if i do everything completely wrong, let me at least learn as many names as possible. this objective made a lot of sense to me considering how people are just more welcoming and willing to help you out if you make the effort to learn their name. and since i am the new kid, i don’t want to give anyone any reason to not want to offer help if i need it. anyways, to aid my memory, i used some mnemonic devices. there’s “mini matt” and “wild will” to name a few (and by the way we love mini matt...he made me a mocha). no later than eleven o’clock did i realize that the process of learning people’s names can get a little tricky when working with certain foreign-born individuals...i thought that by calling one of my co-workers by the name written on his name-tag would be the safest bet, until doing so resulted in him shaking his head and turning the tag over to reveal his real name. this same gentlemen later asked me where my boyfriend was. not really knowing the answer myself, i simply replied that i didn’t know where my “novio” was. even though i’m a little afraid of what he could possibly ask me tomorrow, he is really staring to grow on me.

almost everything that i learned today was done by either listening to directions (katrina, you’re on break-take off your apron!) or by watching someone do a task and mimic their actions (fold the tissue paper like so and viola! a perfectly wrapped sandwich). i did, however, receive the pleasure of sitting at a computer and taking some online “courses” that the company created for its employees. these courses were auditory, interactive, and even contained short videos and “quizzes” at the end of each section. not a bad approach to try and engage my attention, but i had to laugh at some of the lessons. like how when you drop a knife you really shouldn’t try to catch it. just let it hit the floor. and don’t reach your arm into the bagel slicer for any reason. but what was really amusing was how many times the answer “tell your manager” appeared as the correct choice.

if there is a drunk customer, tell your manager.

if you suspect that a co-worker is taking drugs, tell your manager.

if you think there might be cross-contamination, tell your manager.

if there is any evidence of rodents, tell your manager.

if you are robbed, tell your-GOTCHA! actually, the correct answer would be to sit down by yourself and immediately start writing down what you remember from the incident. you shouldn’t talk to anyone during this time because he or she could cloud your recollection of an important detail. but hey, don’t be sad...after you get robbed and jot down what happened, then you should tell your manager.

it is very, VERY hard for me to give my parents any form of the silent treatment following an argument because i know with confidence that the silence will inevitably have to be broken in order for me to receive some kind of monetary handout. at this moment i am a great deal pissed off. pissed off with a brand new pair of khakis.

khakis and cupcakes

yesterday morning i awoke to my same old self; particularly, my unemployed same old self.

but my friends, today is the start of a new me...an EMPLOYED me. say hello to the new assistant caterer of a nationally acclaimed bakery-cafe franchise. and i will not just be working part-time but full-time...talk about going zero to sixty in a span of about three days (okay, so that doesn’t sound so good if you are still stuck on the car analogy, but hear me out). i literally met with my (now) boss on tuesday and received an offer by thursday. now that’s what i call a short and sweet courtship. we are officially dating, an item if you will, and i can’t tell you how excited i am for this relationship to begin! there is just one thing standing in my way...

khaki pants. that’s right. not jeans. not black or even gray attire. the official dress of my catering kind involves khaki pants and a white polo shirt. maybe if i grew up on the east coast i would have a plethora of these items lying around, but growing up in northern california, it was all about the casual look. torn jeans, skater shoes or reefs, t-shirts...nothing like what i witnessed during my freshman orientation at the private northeastern university which i attended. never before had i seen that much plaid and salmon colored attire outside of a jcrew catalog. in fact, i think if anyone had dared to wear pants stitched with tiny lobsters or crabs at my high school they would’ve been promptly beaten up in the parking lot. i digress. the point is that throughout these years i have successful averted the khaki kingdom and now i must join it. i really should’ve seen this coming though. khaki is really the only alternative to black when going for the “business casual” look. i’m just whining that i have to now go and purchase clothes for my job before i even start making money.

in lieu of my transition from unemployment to employment, my parents want to take me out to celebrate. i’m tempted to just nix the dinner and instead ask them to purchase a polo shirt for me but now i’m thinking that’s the wrong way to go. it’s not every day that you are around people who genuinely care about you enough to want to celebrate your successes in life. so i have decided to honor that by spending some time with my parents (as if we don't spend enough time together). i actually kicked-off the celebration stage by doing something wild and crazy last night: i baked. you see, i recently bought these adorable mini cupcake trays and baking cups and decided to bring out the baker in me. my mission was to successfully decorate my cupcakes using homemade frosting and spell out something like “hallelujah” on them to express my relief at landing a job. i even wanted to photograph my finished project and post it alongside this blog entry.

well, let me tell you: the whole decorating process is far more complicated to master than you would expect. just transferring the frosting from the bowl to the pastry bag was a gooey catastrophe. the consistency of the frosting was poor to begin with and losing volume with every stressful, passing minute. my cupcakes didn’t need face cream, they needed some fluffy flair! and because they were so small, i found out that i had to keep them in the baking pan so that they wouldn't be wobbly and tip over while i applied the frosting. to my disappointment, what started off as a blissful, celebratory experience resulted in absolute failure. we now have about forty-five abandoned and naked mini cupcakes sitting in the corner of our kitchen. this personal aspiration of mine will have to be tackled another day. proof that you shouldn’t underestimate anything “mini”.

(that’s what she said).

me.


the situation.



option number one.



option number two.

date

i sat at a nearby table, legs crossed, as i waited for him to arrive. nervousness and eagerness danced around in my head. any second now he would appear from behind the counter and start in my direction. i wonder if he was as anxious as i was to be on a blind date.
i perked up as i heard my name and immediately rose from my seat. his handshake was not too firm nor too flimsy-just right. although a little shorter than i am, i could tell within that first instant of holding his gaze that he was charming. and warm. and adorable.
he made me feel completely at ease, the words rolling off my tongue-smooth like butter. he complimented me on how organized i was and was impressed by my past achievements. we talked about what a wonderful place chapel hill is to live in. we learned that we both share a background in psychology, and also a preoccupation with making plans and checklists. he learned that i was a morning person and willing to get up at 5:30 a.m. if necessary. i asked him many questions about his job, like how he went about training new hires and expanding the business.
and then i asked him how many blind dates he had been on in the past few days...he said about four, but the way in which he downplayed them suggested to me that he wasn't all that interested in what they had to offer. so i took a reassuring breadth and silently prayed that i would be the one: the lucky one.
then we shook hands a second time and that's when i left my job interview.
? ? ? ?
they say that a job interview is like a first date (or vice versa)...that emotional and physical anticipation, the fear of being scrutinized, and the natural desire to want to measure up and impress the other person (even if you aren't a good match to begin with). sorry, but i felt i had to trick you in order to get this point across. besides the fact that my interviewer was actually a women and not a man (minor detail), everything i recounted from my "date" is true. i really like this girl, and the exciting part is, i think she likes me too! needless to say, i would really like to go on a second date. unfortunately, that decision is entirely up to her. so in the same way that i wouldn't want to jinx a potential relationship with a guy i was just getting to know, i am going to stop talking about this one. now.

more gushy details to come (i hope)!

i'll leave you with some humorous comparisons that i dug up from an article by janet white (jobdig.com)...keep in mind that the first question is something an employer would likely ask during an interview while the second question is it's equivalent in a date setting (a date that would surely end on a bad note).

• tell me about a time when you failed. why did you break off your last relationship?
• on the scale of one to ten, how would you rate yourself as an employee? on the scale of one to ten, how would you rate yourself as a lover?
• why should we hire you? why should i date you?
• tell me about that gap in your resume. tell me why you’ve been single for so long.
• how much did you earn in your last position? how much money do you have?

oh hell

if how you start your monday is any indication of how the rest of the week will go, i would like for someone to either shoot me with a tranquilizer gun repeatedly for the next six days or prescribe me a drug that will knock me out for the same duration.

i woke up early (early meaning basically anytime before 10 o’clock...unemployed boomerangers have no reason to get out of bed before then) this morning to make some follow-up calls to the places i applied to last week. my five calls pretty much yielded nothing. if you’re wondering why i made only five calls when i had mentioned previously that i applied to six companies, that’s because the sixth company explicitly told me that if i was a good match i would have received a call that same day...tear. i learned from my telethon that the managers at one business have decided to not hire new staff as they approach the holiday season (this makes a lot of sense considering how we americans don’t like to buy things, especially around thanksgiving or christmas). the events coordinator at the catering company i am interested in was unavailable (yet again) to speak and i am beginning to think that she doesn’t exist. i found out that another catering job requires me to submit a cover letter in addition to a resume which i now have to pull out of my ass. one of the bakeshops i am considering was simply not open today and the other took my name and number to be passed along to the owner when she got in. but get this: the owner’s name is katrina as well, which i think screws my chances because who would want to hire someone for their small company who shares the same name? i wouldn’t.

so that was a synopsis of the disappointing news relating to my job search, but now we get to the really painful part: sending one hundred and eighty-five of my dollars to the courthouse in lovely horry, south carolina. i was handed my first ever traffic ticket for speeding about a month ago. oh, and let’s not forget the five dollar fee on top of that for the bank issuing me a cashier’s check. thanks, wachovia...is that going to pay for a new bag of sad little lollipops you so generously offer your customers? i do have to say though that the bank clerk who assisted me was very kind and helpful. she had the honor of also serving as my notary. yes, that’s right. i had to have a complete stranger prove that i am who i say i am this morning. why? it’s all part of the joyful process of obtaining an authorized copy of your original birth certificate...if you happen to lose it...which i did...possibly in bermuda. anyways, without this document, you cannot prove that you were actually born to the dmv. they will not let you apply for a new license. a passport would do the trick, but guess what, mine’s expired! thus beginning another agonizing journey to obtain a valid document. are you starting to feel just a little bit sorry for me? well maybe this will do the trick: as if trying to find a job, get a passport and license, figure out how i am going to have health and dental insurance, and deal with my traffic ticket isn’t enough, i am also avoiding the library because i know i have overdue fines. i am guilty of tardiness in turning in my last cycle of books...and at a twenty-cent late fee per day per book, well...there’s just no telling what kind of trouble i am in. which brings me to an important question: if you die with unpaid library fines, who shoulders the burden? if there is such a thing as “library life insurance” out there, sign me up. i don’t want my grandkids to have to pay for my mistakes.

and now, to get in the spirit of things, a little halloween treat...i'm going to show you something so spooky, so frightening, you might just crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the day.




in case you are like me and have already dug into the trick-or-treater's candy stash, thus suffering from an early morning sugar rush, let me clarify: these are pictures of my parent's desktop computer. oh, and this is not a trick. happy halloween!

three strikes

five minutes ago i ordered a cup of coffee from a complete douche. when i approached the register to order, he was pre-occupied with jotting down numbers or something, so i patiently stood there and waited for him to utter any kind of response. meanwhile, a second customer lined up behind me. he didn’t even acknowledge us, taking his sweet time to slide his little activity aside before finally looking up at me. strike number one. then i ordered a large cup and handed him the money. he filled a large mug full of the good stuff and set it down on a nearby countertop. it didn’t occur to him to ask whether i wanted my coffee in a to-go cup. strike number two. still, in spite of all this, my politeness shined through and i offered him an undeserving “thank you”. no reply. strike number three. so, let me get this straight...while i struggle to get a job, this shmuck is receiving a paycheck for acting like this to customers? don’t they teach you in customer service 101 to smile and make eye contact with people? is it not common sense in any line of work to use the expressions “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “have a nice day”? . who the hell hired this guy? and why am i sitting here, still unemployed, while jerks like him fill the workplace? even if you are having a bad day-which is totally understandable- you can at least fake a smile.

well, nothing i can do about it, except for wish that i was an undercover restaurant critic right about now. i will just have to swallow my bitterness and continue filling out applications and handing off my resume. my most recent job search endeavor is with bakeries and catering companies. in the past two days i will have personally applied for a position as a cake decorator, catering coordinator, private events caterer, and general sales staff member at six different business. the style in which each business handles their applicants has varied, which makes it all the more confusing and difficult for me. While one bakery says on their website that, “any application not received in person will not be seriously considered,” another accepts their applications strictly online. it’s a challenge just trying to navigate all the different modes of landing an interview. do you call ahead of time or just drop-in? do you wait until the owner is available to talk or leave your resume with whoever happens to be working there at the time? and when is it appropriate to call for a follow-up? i really wish i was given all these answers in my college years, but i don’t have the time to invent a time machine this afternoon.

i’m apprehensive. i’m intimidated. i’ve been getting headaches from all the things i have been putting off and all the questions that have gone unanswered. will i get a call back for an interview? will i be employed by thanksgiving? thankfully, i always have my parents to lean on for comfort. let me leave you with some fatherly advice i received only yesterday:

“you should find something that intrigues you...a place where you believe in their product.”

“yes, that’s the goal. but i really need money now.”

“how about counterfeit bills? if you get really good, you won’t get arrested.”

“i’ll look into it.”

FLORIDA: the realization

okay, i did it. i paid my own way to the sunshine state and boarded the plane. i lived out of my suitcase and tried to be a good guest to the people who opened up their homes. i sat in the car as we drove three hours west along alligator alley. i dug my feet into the sand at pompano beach, deerfield beach, ft. lauderdale, and siesta key. i explored neighborhoods and local fare. i braved the wind on that cloudy, tournament day and did my best to hide my disappointment when that last match did not go quite the way we would’ve liked. basically, i gave the state of florida my undivided, hopeful attention for four long days. and this is what i realized:

i can’t live in florida.

it’s not because of the way the elderly population made me feel like somebody’s lost grandchild, or that the pale pink and green buildings made me feel a tad nauseous (although those things didn’t help). it was a feeling that came over me slowly but surely...something telling me that i would be happy as a visitor but not as a resident. yes, there is good beach volleyball talent, but it is segregated into small pockets throughout the state. i am in no mood to spend weeks and months edging myself into the right “posse” of women athletes. i’d much rather head straight to where the sport was born and continues to thrive: the sandy beaches of southern california.
the positive aspects of this region have outweighed the negative-and i am truly surprised by this outcome. you see, while my friends continued to nudge me towards the west coast, i was pulling back in favor of the east, where I had invested time and energy researching and making contacts. i was at the point where i was willing to start a whole new chapter of my life in florida. my reasoning was that i had already experienced california culture growing up, so why not immerse myself in something different? i think a part of me wanted to be a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond. and speaking completely honestly, i also think that i have been a little afraid to swim with the big fish. Okay, enough fishy metaphors...the point is that i let my fears get in the way of what was best for me. all this time i’ve been trying to convince myself that florida is the right choice when california was the right choice all along. certain characteristics of california suddenly came to light as i was experiencing florida. like the fact that due to california’s continual coastline, what takes place on the beach and what takes place in the surrounding community is interactive rather than disconnected. i feel a little crazy that only two weeks ago i was heavily invested in florida and now i am so NOT. i have effectively abandoned-ship from “operation move to florida” and embarked on “operation move to california”. i’m already telling my friends and acquaintances that, like biggie smalls, “i’m goin’ goin’, back back, to cali cali”... though not in those words exactly ;) some of them are probably thinking to themselves what an incredibly indecisive and impulsive young child i must be. but truth is, i’m just a child who has seen the light and who is fortunate enough to be able to follow it.

main lesson here: even if you feel like your mind is set against one choice, don’t write it off completely until you have given its alternative ample consideration. we tend to see what we want to see, which can lead us to blindly ignore what is favorable about something for the sake of focusing our energy on what we perceive as negative. when you release yourself from the exhausting task of pitting one option against another, the answers you’ve been fishin’ for suddenly come to light (there’s those damn fish again!). i feel like sometimes i am quick to make decisions because the act of making a decision-big or small-is self-empowering and rewarding in itself. in our rush to be decisive lurks the unattractive risk of making the wrong choice. open your eyes and see the light my friends. easier said than done, i know...especially if you’ve ever seen the menu at cheesecake factory.

brownie or black?

i met my friend for a drink last night at a very hip place in downtown raleigh...sort of like a bar, restaurant, and cafe all fused into one. the eatery always attracts a very diverse crowd and the cheap pbr beer is surely a crowd-pleaser. anyways, i had insisted that i join her because i wanted to meet her friend who happened to be a designer. in case you didn't know, i'm all about creativity as a profession.
i didn't get to pick his brain nearly as much as i would've liked to, but i did learn a few things about him and the events leading up to who he was today. like how his initial project of exposing the beauty within old, decaying, and abandoned architecture eventually turned into a profitable job photographing newly erected, "perfect" buildings. ironic, no? i especially like this biographical tidbit because it shows us how following one direction in life can open the door to a completely different (and in this case, completely opposite) direction.
we began talking more about his current work consisting of designing books and an apple app (no big deal), which lead him to express his frustrations with life. he was experiencing a lack of motivation and drive for no good reason, something we can surely all relate to. this upset him because he didn't know how we was going to get himself out of this funk. he had contemplated leaving carolina for a few days to clear his head, but that would be difficult for him considering his tight budget. he made a good point about how it is hard to be creative when during every hour of every day you are thinking about money and the bills you have to pay. we all nodded our heads in agreement, taking a swig of our beers.
i sensed a pause--a lull, if you will--in the conversation, for which i began to fill with my own qualms in life. there i went, asking the table if they thought my finger nails were brown or black. wanting the most perfect brown hue to accentuate my hands, i had just recently bought a bottle of nail polish called "brownie". i expressed my concern over whether they actually came across as brown or if they were dangerously close to the gothic black look. little did i know that a tiny storm was brewing inside my new friend, the designer. he finally let loose...we couldn't keep the laughter from spilling out as he reenacted how i had just countered his financial and professional troubles with the crisis of finding the right color. his tone was patronizing yet playful as he ranted on about how my life must obviously be good if i am complaining about something as insignificant as nail polish. i took absolutely no offense because it was hilarious to listen to this guy point out how cushiony most of our young lives actually are when we take a moment to breathe and look at the big picture. i was reminded of a similar "dilemma" i had while in new york city: "how the hell am i going to transport all these cupcakes on the plane ride home!?"
for the reason that life is relative, i don't believe in measuring the quality of one's life against another by simply assessing what each person has and does not have. we all have our moments when we complain about the expensive shoes that are giving us blisters or how the accent of our newly-installed navigational system is a little too british for our liking. we shouldn't have to justify that our lives are indeed challenging and stressful because these irritations happen to infiltrate our conversations with others. sometimes it's nice to complain about the little things because it takes our mind off of the big things. however, last night, the sign of a good life was measured by a .5 ounce bottle of goo...whether the goo is actually brownie or black is still under debate.

listen to your gut

my older brother did a wonderful thing this morning. it was 8:30 a.m. and i was still half-asleep when he called for some...advice. my ears immediately perked up and i listened as he explained how he was torn between going into work today and turning around to take a job interview. you see, my brother is currently an employee for a family-owned business that affords him the security of a paycheck but absolutely no challenge. he will text me just an hour into work about how bored he already is, and when we talk about his job, i am saddened and frustrated that his natural energy and personable qualities are being wasted daily.
motivated to improve his situation yet cautious of jumping into anything on a whim (he was a pizza delivery man for a total of twenty-four hours before quitting), my brother continues to search for other opportunities while at his current job. which brings us to the reason why he called me in the first place...should he continue on his way to work or take the day off to attend an interview instead? the interview was for a management position at the front desk of a hotel. he expressed his concerns over the hours: 3-11 p.m. on most weekdays and weekends (i knew exactly what he had surely already calculated in his head...less time to watch baseball, football, and basketball...oh, the humanity!). anyhow, my brother had intended to decline taking the interview on account of the hours and drive into work. but as he was driving, he started to second-guess his decision, hence resulting in a conversation with his little, unemployed sister (i can't help but wonder whether or not i would've still been his first choice to call if it wasn't 5:30 a.m. pacific time where our older, employed sister lives).
i could sense in his voice that he wanted to take a chance. i told him that the hours were really not that bad...that he could still go out on the weekends and also have a day or two off during the week. i told him that walking into the hotel and taking the interview would give him a much better sense of whether or not the job would be a good fit for him. i assured him that if he proved dependable and hard-working, his hours would more than likely change down the road. essentially, i told him what his gut was already trying to tell him: turn this damn truck around and take the interview! so he did.
although not a scary, gut-wrenching story, let my brother's morning be a reminder to us all that our gut is something worth listening to. as twenty-something men and women, we all face similar situations that leave us torn between what we already have and what we could have. this is the time in our lives when we are continually defining and re-defining what our "dream job" is. do we find a "safe" job that bores us to death but pays the bills? or do we opt for something enticing that may leave us (gulp) living with our parents? there is obviously substantial gray area between these two extremes, but i am not a believer in attending an unfulfilled job day after day just for the sake of "doing your time" at the bottom of the job market food chain. i think that it makes the most sense to start out at the bottom if the bottom is at least within the industry that you love. by all means, work at a fast-food chain if it is restaurant management that you are passionate about. don't settle for something that you can never see yourself being a part of professionally. i understand that we all face varying degrees of financial (and emotional) burdens which can thwart our aspirations, but sacrificing our passions in favor of, well, ANYTHING, is possibly the worst mistake we can make. my understanding is that the older we get, the greater our responsibilities become and the greater our sacrifices are. take responsibility for the people you love and the things you love, and in that same breadth, make sacrifices for the sake of those same reasons. if that means turning your truck around to take an interview, then turn your damn truck around.

home alone

my monday:

8:30 a.m. wake-up (extremely groggy) to the sound of my cat, logan, creating noise with some loose papers in another successful attempt to get me up and take him outside.
8:32 a.m. return to bed and sleep for another hour or so.
9:25 a.m. wake-up (again)...feeling particularly hungry this time. go downstairs and turn on regis and kelly. ground coffee beans, fix myself some strawberries and toast, and search frantically for the coffee filter.
9:45 a.m. drag my discouraged and head-achy self to the garage to feed our dog, toby. take toby outside for a quick walk to the mailbox and back. he barks at every moving object and pulls hard on the leash (some things never change). take our neighbors paper on my way back to the house (surely they must be out of town).
10:00 a.m. watch music videos while reading the morning paper. call parents. dad takes me through how to use the coffee maker.
11:00 a.m. gilmore girls. coffee is weak - i definitely screwed something up.
12:00 p.m. change into workout clothes. proceed to partake in lazy cereal consumption: a bowl of cereal without the milk, spoon, or bowl. head out.
12:15 p.m. walk a nearby 3-mile trail...lose myself in a marathon of daydreams...i'm competing in a professional beach volleyball match, i'm leading an exercise class in southern california, i'm hosting saturday night live...
1:15 p.m. shop for some groceries.
2:30 p.m. return home and feed toby some lunch. go out on the back porch and read the thanksgiving issue of martha stewart living. ear-tag some recipes i'd like to try (homemade pumpkin-pie spice and cinnamon custard pie!).
3:45 p.m. prepare all the ingredients and kitchen tools necessary for baking a highly-anticipated apple granola recipe, courtesy of smittenkitchen.com . start the process of peeling, coring, and slicing 3 lbs of apples while taking an unusual interest in the oprah show (this is when i really started to feel like miss susie homemaker).
4:30 p.m. slide my creation in the oven and wait. check my favorite blogs on the computer and (i can't believe i'm admitting this...) begin watching another episode of gilmore girls.
5:15 p.m. enjoy my dinner...or should i say breakfast? relish in my ability to be domestic when i want to be.
6:00 - 7:30 p.m. basically do nothing but fool around on the computer and make a list of all the people i really should call in the near future.
7:30 p.m. catch the last few innings of the yankees vs. angels playoff game. watch house.
9:30 p.m. take a hot shower. put the animals to sleep. crawl into bed, switch on pandora radio, and begin typing...

quickie

coming to you live from panera bread in st. petersburg, florida. and before you say how disappointed you are in me for going to a chain, we did try a local coffee place first but left because we would've had to pay them to use their computers for internet access (lame). coffee is sub-par here but the classical music playing in the background is really putting my mind at ease. this trip has made it very cloudy.
we woke up around brunch time and ate our breakfast at a family-owned diner in downtown st. petersburg. then we drove around in search of beach apparel and stopped in a couple quintessential surf shacks. that's something i miss about living in caifornia: the surf shops. maybe north carolina is too pre-occupied with providing tar heel, blue devil, and wolf pack gear to care.
my florida adventure will be ending soon for tonight we (my beach volleyball partner, friend/trainer, and myself) will fly out of tampa and be returning home. i want to tell you about my experience here but i've decided to hold off until i am back in chapel hill...that way the whole trip will be behind me, giving me the chance to truly reflect (and i predict there will be a lot of reflecting).
so that said, a comprehensive florida re-cap is coming your way...along with new tales about what it will be like to have the entire house to myself for a week. yep, that's right...yours truly will be occupying all three levels of the townhouse by herself while the parents are off visiting the west coast. which leads me to wonder...if you take the parents out of the house and leave the boomeranger, what's left?

nickel and dime me

just when we thought that starbucks had us by the balls, we stumbled upon "brew", an urban cafe in downtown fort lauderdale. although barely recognizable and just a stone's throw away from some railroad tracks, that didn't deter me when the barista confirmed that yes, they have wi-fi. thank god! "you don't know what we've been through," i wanted to say, but stopped myself when i realized how dramatic that sounded. still, we had just driven up and down the streets of florida looking for an establishment that was somewhere between a dump and a four-star hotel that offered coffee and internet access. you wouldn't think it would be so hard, but with the added fun of six dollar an hour (yes, SIX dollars per hour)parking garages and up to ten dollars for the internet, you have to dodge more than just pedestrians. shouldn't there be some kind of nation-wide symbol for wi-fi that businesses can post on their storefronts to save us from all this angst? in this technological and caffeinated world we live in, i feel that coffee and wi-fi should go together like peanut butter and jelly. it's time the competitive market starts weeding out these cafes that charge an arm and a leg for internet access. i'd rather pay ten cents more for my coffee knowing that i'll be able to check my e-mail freely. and don't think for a second that we managed to find free parking on top of free internet (now that would just be too good to be true, wouldn't it?)...the government will soon be pocketing our 1.25 per hour fees.

more to come from the "sunshine" state...

coaching: the new condom

tonight marks the last night of what i have come to call my "hour of free birth control". for the last month and a half or so i have helped run a youth volleyball program that's held bi-weekly for an hour. the program is offered by a prestigious north carolina volleyball club and is a great stepping-stone for young girls looking to learn more about the sport. when i signed-up for the gig i had no idea that the kids would provide me with so much entertainment.
ranging from 2nd grade to 8th grade, these little tykes embody such a wide scope of personalities it will make your head spin (as it did mine). there's the outspoken and the deathly shy, the comfortable and the self-conscious, the calm and the rambunctious. one girl makes it her personal mission to sprint to and from the water fountain on water breaks--i can't imagine ever having to put her to bed at night. another girl was obviously taught that there is no such thing as a stupid question for her hand shoots up every single time we are addressing the group (no exaggeration here). during a drill the other week, one of the girls cupped her hands over her mouth as she mumbled something unrecognizable to me...so i just assumed she got hit in the mouth with a ball and sent her to the bathroom to clean up. turns out i was a little off...the girl actually threw up on the court. she later told me that this happens all the time to her and that she didn't know why her mouth was open instead of closed like it usually is. precious.
so thank you, youth volleyball program parents, for bringing your hyperactive, uncoordinated, and apparently sick children to these weekly sessions. not only have i learned a great deal about how and how not to communicate with girls at this age, i have learned that i am in no way ready to handle one for the other twenty-three hours of the day.

java junkie

currently at my favorite stop in town for some bottomless coffee and free internet access. i come here at least once a week to just park myself at a table and let the hours roll by. oftentimes i'll come with my parents but more recently i've been a steady party of one, mostly for the reason that there is no telling when i'm going to end up leaving. call me a hipster (as one of my friends likes to), but i just love going to different coffee shops and bakeries to read the paper, work on my computer, or catch up on my correspondence. it makes an unemployed person like myself feel productive. i am especially lucky today because i have a fresh copy of inc. magazine. the articles inspire me to translate my thoughts and ideas to paper...to slap self-doubt in the face. when i read people's personal anecdotes about their businesses, my faith in the equation: a good idea plus hard work equals success, is revived. i am also quite content this morning because i sprung for the bowl of granola over just the cup, something i treat myself with only after bringing home some winnings from my latest beach competition.

i actually have a rather important call to make...i need to follow-up on a coaching opportunity in florida. a women who i've been in contact with is the director of a volleyball club that i wouldn't mind getting involved in. call it a "foot in the door" opportunity. since i'll be in the sunshine state this weekend for a competition, my best-case scenario is to meet up with her over coffee and completely charm her into trusting me to coach at her club. how is it that the act of "grabbing a cup of coffee" can hold so much potential and importance in our social world? i've read that social isolation can actually make people feel cold, so much so that someone on the receiving end of social iciness will crave a hot drink (which gives new meaning to phrases like, "he gave me the cold shoulder"). but surely there is more to it than that, otherwise people would be ordering shots of hot chocolate over tequila on a saturday night. i feel that coffee has become somewhat of a security blanket in our society. we bond around the coffee-maker like we would a fire-pit when camping--it brings us warmth both physically and emotionally. if we are unable to enjoy a cup at home, we take it to-go, or plan a visit to a nearby cafe altogether. some people have to have their cup of java in the morning, making it as routine as slipping their right shoe on before their left. as for myself, i feel energized and particularly ambitious when drinking it. whether you like the stuff or not, i don't think you can deny the leading role it has in the play we call life. if i were to be any food or beverage, i would have to choose coffee. some may say an alcoholic drink would be the way to go (open the floodgates to embarrassing and regrettable encounters!), yet i would forgo the endless entertainment for a chance to witness the power that coffee holds. its presence is at the workplace, the kitchen table, the middle of important business transactions, college campus libraries, that first meeting between two strangers. i would be able to witness those nervous, flirtatious moments that dance around a couples' initial meeting. not to mention, i would get to tap into the creative minds of those throwing ideas around about a marketing campaign, or a movie script, or the design of the newest and most innovative apple product...think of all the conversations i could eavesdrop on!

what just happened? i started out talking about why i like to spend hours inside a coffee shop and drifted to talking about reincarnating myself into a caffeinated beverage. could i ever get paid for just thinking outside the box? what say you? that perhaps i should keep certain things to myself? alright, i can take a hint...my coffee is getting cold anyway. signing off.

part III: the grass is always greener...

...on the other side of the fence. this is one of my favorite sayings. it is just so damn true. you have curly hair, you want straight hair. you’re in a healthy relationship yet you crave the freedom afforded to your single friends. from your bedroom window you see your neighbor’s front yards but can’t help but wonder if you would rather be looking down a city block. our tendency to want what we don’t have invades our everyday lives. we are, by nature, very social beings that cannot help but notice others and compare our lifestyles to theirs. the obvious shortcoming to this obsession to compare and contrast leads us to question the path our lives are currently on. i catch myself second-guessing my own happiness because of something good i perceive in the choices that another has made.

it happens all the time. take, for instance, my recent trip to new york city. i got the chance to experience the world from a manhattan apartment. in those three short days i did things that i rarely (if ever) do here in carolina. greet the doorman, hail a cab, try to navigate the subway system, pass a dozen hot dog stands on my way to central park, pay eleven dollars for a drink... (okay that last one was still definitely worth it). the friend i stayed with has a great set-up in the city: an apartment with drama-free roommates, a secure job, exciting dating prospects, and limitless possibilities for eating and entertainment. by witnessing her mornings and evenings—full of structure and drive—i could tell that she was content with her post-graduate life. but i also could not help but notice that her routine could not have been father from my own. she gets up in the early morning to squeeze in a workout before hopping on a train to work. i get up when i feel like it and squeeze into my bathing suit for “work”. she has a team-building function for her job and is stressed about the thirty e-mails left unanswered on her computer. i become exceptionally giddy when i have one e-mail that isn’t a notification from j-crew about free shipping. she takes pride in knowing the location and perks of every cupcake vendor in the city. i take pride in avoiding businesses where cupcakes are sold (though i do have my weaknesses).

all that said, when someone you admire and respect is doing well on their own two feet, you can’t help but envision yourself in their shoes. should i be living in an apartment in the city? should i be strutting down crowded streets in skirts and heels, making my way to join some co-workers for a drink? and, most importantly, should i be eating more cupcakes? okay, that last one is not a serious consideration of mine, but the point is that a million of questions pop into your head when you are in comparison land. yes, comparison land. that’s what christine hassler calls it in her book. she makes an excellent observation when she writes that, “in an unpredictable world with an overwhelming number of options, it’s natural to want to model our lives after someone whose life seems to “work” or based on a plan that we invent for ourselves and believe we can control. fear of the unknown and failure makes such modeling even more tempting.” she really hits it on the nail here. my generation grew up being told that we can be anything we want to be. the downside to this mindset is that we become overwhelmed by all the career options available to us, making picking and choosing a constant and exhausting process. so naturally we try to narrow the scope of all the lives we could potentially lead by modeling after people we perceive to be happy and successful. it’s like shopping around for an outfit...without the luxury of a mirror to see if what you are buying actually fits.

hessler reminds us that having someone else’s characteristics would make us a different person living a different life, with a different perspective and most likely a different set of problems. yes, problems! every line of work has its share of sacrifices. we end up forgetting that those sacrifices exist because we are too focused on our rosy picture of someone’s life. i can’t feel bad about myself because i’m not the city girl with a career in finances, or the girl in med school training to be a doctor, or even the girl who just drove across the country. all of these girls are close friends of mine. I need to remember that i am not doing what they are doing for a reason...that i have characteristics that have led me down the path i am currently on, and these qualities make the person i am today. i have no doubt that i will continue to “shop” for ideas and advice from those i meet and come to admire. the difference between me now and me last month is that i now realize that some individuals who i have compared myself to in the past have lives that i know deep down i would not even want.

each and every day we are faced with a multitude of choices. left or right? ttay put or re-locate? take this job offer or hold out for a better one? the best that we can do is look within ourselves for the answers to these questions. there will always be something that seems more attractive on the other side of the fence...the key is realizing that your neighbor is most likely thinking the same thing.

...

currently on delta flight 1463 with non-stop service to atlanta. my bag of magnolia cupcakes have been re-located by the flight attendant to an overhead compartment beyond my reach. needless to say, i am concerned for their safety. this nearly week-long journey to rochester, my alma mater, and finally new york city has left me with good and bad memories that will help shape my upcoming blogging. i am still working on part III of my anniversary posts, so stay tuned for that...

flight attendants are strutting down the aisles...what do you think: pretzels, peanuts, or those irresistible biscoff cookies? right now i am just thankful that the grande pumpkin spice latte that i consumed in the airport hasn't caught up with me yet...i would really hate to have to inconvenience members of row twenty-six.

safe flying...

part II: expectation hangover

forget tequila. forget vodka, wine, and (dare i say it) long island iced teas. suffering from an “expectation hangover” is way worse than waking up and realizing that a moving train has taken up residence inside your head...repeatedly, and with no signs of slowing down. water, aspirin, and rest are all commonly used methods to relieve the pain, but the way to cure an expectation hangover is a bit more complicated.

hassler cleverly defines an expectation hangover as occurring when, “we hold a certain expectation but things do not turn out as we thought they should or would have liked, and we then feel awful”. i’d bet that we have all felt like this at least once, probably several times.

i came out of college knowing that i wasn’t in a hurry to find a full-time position. honestly, if i had really wanted one, i would’ve done my research during my last semester and not waited until summer kicked in. i wanted to find something part-time so that i could keep up my training regiment throughout the week and get myself out of the house (can you blame me?). so i turned my attention towards places that i have always enjoyed giving my business to. i began placing my polished resume into the hands of my future bosses—or so i thought. trader joes, carolina inn, duke hotel, fosters market, caribou coffee...these were the establishments which i thought would welcome me with open arms. i didn’t formally apply to all of them, but one experience in particular left me with a bitter taste in my mouth...the taste that jump-started my first real expectation hangover of my young adult life.

let me tell you the caribou story...once upon a time there was a girl who had always dreamed of becoming a barista. she wanted to be the person standing between an eager patron and their daily fix. most of all, she just wanted to whip up froth for the perfect latte. so being the enthused graduate that she was, the girl put on some pretty clothes and walked into a coffee shop to inquire about a job. she asked to speak with the manager personally but the lady behind the counter insisted that it would be easier to just go online and fill out an application there. fine. over fifty ridiculous multiple choice questions later and the girl is dumbfounded why any employer would prefer this method of hiring over meeting with someone in person.
after several days of anticipation, the girl decides to visit the coffee shop and check on the status of her application. what initiative this would display, thought she, and this for only a part-time job in the service industry! surely she would shine above all other applicants. but the manager was busy, said the lady behind the counter, adding that the girl will be notified if they have a place for her. sadly, the girl does not hear back from caribou. her self-esteem takes a hit and she begins to resent the coffee chain for their hiring practices (and their lack of realizing what a catch she is and how lucky they should be to get a chance to hire her). to this day she still does not know why she never got a call back, though she is back to drinking their coffee because they offer free refills and internet access.

as i reflect on my caribou coffee experience, i can’t help but wish i were more like jay leno. okay, let me catch you up to speed. the other day i came across a newspaper article featuring jay leno. he talked about what it felt like to be rejected in the job world during his younger years. the memorable part of the article was when he recalled a time when he passed by an auto dealership and, thinking that he’d like to work there, inquired about a job. the boss, however, said there were no job openings at the time and turned him away. leno then walked over to the rear of the dealership and simply said to an employee, “i’m the new guy”. he was put to work, and after a few days of washing cars, the boss came around and asked what he was doing there. “he’s a hard worker,” said an employee. “i just decided to work here until you hired me,” added leno. he was hired on the spot.

i love this story. i wish i could be so daring and not always take no for an answer. What would have happened if i had grabbed a washcloth and started cleaning coffee spills, or asked a customer if they would like a scone with their skim mocha latte? maybe i would have been banned from the establishment...or maybe my unruly (yet harmless) act could’ve landed me the gig.

the point of this story is that i did take no for an answer and i did feel wounded after not securing a position that i feel any college graduate could have. i expected to shake hands with the manager, blow him away with my charm and professionalism, and schedule a time for an interview. i expected my clean appearance and degree to speak for itself, leaving me with nothing to say besides "when can i start?". yet when that didn’t happen my hangover began...its symptoms lasting for weeks. as hassler points out in her book, “it is often easier to fall into an expectation hangover cycle than to let go and be okay with what happens in our lives.” now i realize that i wasted all that time feeling inadequate and sorry for myself. i could’ve went in to the coffee house a third time and not left until i saw the manager. or i could’ve been more forthright in my other job interests. looking back on all my job-seeking efforts makes me understand that merely expecting a positive outcome in life is not enough: i have to earn it. i have to grow a pair and get behind the counter...so to speak.

doctor's orders: to cure the common expectation hangover, re-asses what it is you are trying to achieve. don’t be discouraged when something doesn’t go exactly according to plan. instead, adapt to your new challenge, realizing that there is usually more than one road that leads to a destination. i will be a barista some day...for a company that has the sense to evaluate me in person. in the meantime, i’ll just continue making cups of joe in-house.

part I: hello quarterlife crisis

“this is going to be the most confusing year of your life,” said one of my friends at the beginning of this summer. boy was she right. it’s as if i have been riding on a train that has suddenly come to a halt after twenty-one years of motion. maybe the tracks just abruptly ended. maybe a fellow passenger pulled the emergency breaks. or maybe the conductor, after guiding me for over two decades, has decided that my free ride is over. did my ticket expire? whichever the case, i have officially been booted off the train (figuratively speaking of course) and left with the task of laying my own tracks.

these past four months i have felt like nothing is really wrong, but nothing really feels right either. my parents are truly wonderful, but i can’t function as a wholly independent being while under their roof. the town in which i live in is exactly the kind of place i can see myself raising a family in, yet that’s certainly not on my list of priorities right now. to tell you the truth, it frightens me a little to have fallen in love with this town because it encompasses too much of what i want my adult life to have. in other words, it’s almost as if my environment is prematurely making me into the person i want to be in my late twenties or thirties. this is what frightens me and motivates me to move somewhere else. of course, leaving this college town for another will have its downsides as well as upsides, as is the case with most all decisions in life. but i can see that i am getting a little sidetracked here...let me return back to the point i was making about how my post-graduate life has been a period of continual confusion and apprehension (fun stuff, huh?).

christine hassler, author of “20 something, 20 everything”, introduced me to the term “quarterlife crisis”. what an ingenious way to describe it. according to the book, this phrase has been around since the early nineties but has recently caught on as more and more twenty-somethings share their experiences. hassler writes that quarter-lifers feel the pressure to make their twenty-something years the time when everything needs to be decided. i couldn’t agree more with this sentiment. since graduating college i have felt overwhelmed by how diverse my interests are. hotel management, starting a cooking class for kids, being a sports publicist, working for a large design company, being a swimsuit designer...the list goes on and on. i don’t want to be a “jack of all trades, master of none,” but i also want to lead a stimulating, multi-dimensional life. how can my life have direction if i’m constantly considering all directions? the following is an excerpt from her book that i think sums everything up:

“our twenties are a turning point in our lives where we feel pressure to do, well, everything. As the security blankets of college and parents are peeled away, we are faced with finding jobs, building careers, perhaps moving to new cities, separating from our old support systems, taking care of our own finances, dating, marriage, thinking about children, starting families, making our first large investments, creating new social lives, watching our parents grow, and shaping an identity to last the rest of adulthood.”

okay, i’m thinking the same thing you are: that is a shitload of responsibility. i don’t remember being braced for these pressures the same way i was braced in high school for what to expect from my college years. is there some kind of pact among parents and educators that i’m not aware of? well, i really can’t complain too much, because what you learn from your own mistakes and experiences is the most valuable kind. your parents can tell you a thousand times to be careful with knives, but until you slice your own finger you don’t fully grasp the reality of the situation.

once we realize that we don’t have to put all this pressure on ourselves to accomplish everything we want to accomplish in our twenties we can begin to gain some much needed perspective (and peace of mind). think of all the stories you read about people well into their forties and fifties who change their careers, start their own businesses, or simply embark on adventures that they’ve always yearned to do. these should remind us that we are continually growing and learning with age and yes, there is life after 30! we belong to a generation that grew up being told, “you can be anything you want to be.” surely there is no hidden asterisk stating that the window of opportunity only applies to your twenties.

if you take anything away from this post, i hope it is a sense of relief after acknowledging that you are not alone in your quest to be superwoman (or superman). we twenty-somethings share a unique set of questions, expectations, and pressures that don’t need to consume our everyday thoughts. i think we get caught up in thinking so much about the future and forget to live in the present. remember fretting over homework in middle school, finals and presentations in high school, and mid-terms in college? remember thinking that the major and minor you chose actually had the power to define who you were and what you were going to be? was all that worrying really worth it? definitely not. life is fluid, and we’d all be a bit happier if we worried less and adopted the mantra that everything will work itself out. if you have a strong support network and a positive sense of self, i see no reason why you shouldn’t be putting more faith in your capabilities. easier said than done, but we can all work on it. so put your mind at rest: you can have it all, but you don’t have to have it all now. besides, last time i checked, i don’t think there were any superhero positions available at this time (blame it on the economy).

the anniversary

today marks my four month anniversary of becoming a boomeranger. Exactly four months ago i awoke in my parent’s house a fresh, wide-eyed graduate. Being in a nurturing environment with family was comforting; however, i would be lying if i said that those first few weeks weren’t tough for me to stomach. Hot dogs at the ball park and swimming beneath a cloudless canvas only temporarily distracted me from the pain i felt after saying goodbye to good friends and the boy i had gotten to know closely back at school.

in these past four months i have become jaded by the reality of post-textbook life. i held a different perspective back then than i do now. earning a degree from a high caliber, private university gave me confidence and self-entitlement. I really did believe that i could get any entry level position that i desired. and not only that, but i genuinely thought that employers would be lucky to have me and jump at the occasion to snatch me up. oh, how reality bites...i was rejected from caribou coffee. yes, a coffee shop. tut the thing that stung the most was not that i didn’t get a job i went after but how i didn’t get that job. more on that later...

living at home for me can be characterized as an ebb and flow of ups and downs. you may be thinking, “umm yah, that’s how life is in general,” but the difference for me is that my high points and low points came more frequently than any other time in my life. never before had i been in a positive, driven mood one minute then switch to a negative, defeated mood the next. and it’s not merely mood swings that have characterized my post-graduate days, but swings in how i view my self-worth. feelings of low self-worth is the gateway to lower levels of self-esteem and motivation (note my psychology background here). what helped me understand the emotions i was going through was a book that is resting beside me this very moment. it is called, "20 something, 20 everything: a quarter-life women’s guide to balance and direction” by christine hassler. her writing has opened up my eyes to the reasons why i have felt somewhat disoriented since leaving college. i only wish i had been exposed to this book prior to graduating so that i would’ve felt more prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that was to ensue.

is there a point to all this jabbering?? why, yes there is. to commemorate my four-month boomeranger anniversary, my next three entries will be devoted to unmasking key insecurities that i have identified as a 22 year-old thus far. a good portion of my reflections will center upon points that the book i just mentioned brings to light. the reason i have decided to focus my next entries in this manner is because i am certain that what i have to say will resonate with other twenty-something men and woman. the best news? you don’t have to be a true boomeranger to benefit from my insight...so living with your parents is optional :)