bedtime

i literally go to bed these days because i have nothing better to do. just a moment ago i was sprawled out on my parent's bed when i heard the creepy woman from the computer say in her monotone voice, "it's 9 o'clock". i thought to myself, should i just go to bed? i'm in my pajamas, i'm bored, and the computer just talked to me. but then i hear the voices of my fellow 22 year-old's of the world screaming, "are you crazy? the night is still young!"

it makes me miss my college days... the sense of sharing at least one wall with another person and knowing that if i knocked on that wall, i'd probably hear a knock back. after graduation, i went from being one of five roommates to being one of three people who could still get away with wearing a short skirt (sorry mom). the individuals whom i have had considerable interaction with this summer are twice my age. most of them are married with children and mortgages and (gasp) careers. we are all connected through our passion for volleyball, and the valuable lesson i have learned is that as you grow older, age becomes less important. i've been able to relate to people i never thought possible; however, i'm not ready to take on this older generation full-time.

what i crave is an apartment full of twenty-somethings, eager to contemplate the questions they do not know the answers to. an apartment full of twenty-somethings who have to make their presence known when they walk through the front door, who never know what they are having for dinner because a part of them still expects that someone else will be doing the cooking, and who make it a nighttime ritual of making fun of one another. god i miss ridiculing my roommates...sometimes the laughter was so contagious i thought i could live and die in that apartment. i can't recall a single night when i went to bed bored.

sunshine state

operation "move to florida" has been set in motion. i've contacted everyone i know who is either connected to the state in some way themselves or knows of someone who is. i've checked out both frommer's and fodor's florida travel guides form the public library to boost my familiarity (they compare miami to a teenager: a young beauty with growing pains, cocky yet confused, quick to embrace the latest fads, exasperating yet lovable). i have even made a facebook status for the first time in my life that asks for anyone to come forth with anything florida-related, and we all know how legitimate a facebook status is. now i just can't be lazy about following up on leads...i have to be pro-active and pick-up the phone, something i've always been timid about. florida is waiting for me with out-stretched arms...i can feel it. but will i be able to feel the support of my parents? emotionally: yes, no doubt about it. but financially? sorry, but i'm afraid i'm going to have to cut this post short...i need to consult frommer's and see if they have a 'bank of mom and dad' branch in florida.

eureka

last night was the final night i had with my sister before she left to go back to california. during her week-long visit i had been anxious to talk to her about what direction my life should take. as summer is fading into fall, i need to be departing my contemplation stage and moving towards more of a decision-making stage. i have several offers to coach local area volleyball clubs, but i also have this incessant itch to pack up and move to florida. why florida? the desirable weather forecast and enthused beach volleyball culture make for a perfect training base. if i was enlisted in volleyball bootcamp, i would want to be stationed either here or california, and since i have already experienced so-cal, i am intrigued by what its eastern counter-part has to offer.
anyways, this past week i have been waiting for the right moment to start the "what am i going to do with my life!?" conversation with my sister. as it turns out, this traditionally feared topic does not require as much analytical anticipation as one might expect (in this case, a brief pillow talk before bed will suffice). especially for a fresh 22 year-old graduate living at home, the answer is quite simple: what is my passion, and how can i achieve it? as i was explaining to my sister about the various coaching positions i could take in the coming months, i paused and said the words, "but my passion--" FREEZE. she stopped me dead in my tracks. my answer was right there: coaching is not my passion. playing beach volleyball is my passion. don't get me wrong--i enjoy coaching. it's a wonderful feeling when something you have been working on with a kid finally clicks for them. it's just that i would rather be focused on my own volleyball career and coaching on the side, not the other way around.
so this should be my focus, my sister pointed out, for i'm lucky to have found my passion and in a position to pursue it. i have nothing tying me down...no car payments, no loans, no rent, and nobody's livelihood to look after but my own. is there a more perfect time in one's life span to be a little selfish? "the only way you will fail is if you don't try", she says, and i know she is right but it still scares the shit out of me to admit that i am chasing my dream and could ultimately fall short. the other difficult part is knowing that what is best for me is not always best for some of the people i have become close with in recent months. a few friendships will definitely be tested, but if i'm not courageous enough to ultimately put my goals and aspirations above all others, the only person i will be cheating is myself.

time well spent

if you were to walk in my bedroom right now and read the calendar on the wall you would say that today, on the 24th of august, i attended a job fair. my track record for sticking to things that i write on my calendar is pretty darn good...but today, i did not attend that job fair. i didn't make small talk for hours in hopes of landing a part-time job as a ticket-scanner or perhaps a concession stand worker for the upcoming hurricanes hockey season. nope. completely blew it off. let me tell you what i did instead.
8:30... i awake, well-rested but still a bit groggy, and start chatting with my sister beside me. we analyze some late-night text messages that i received and watch some dumb cat videos on youtube.
8:45...my grandma peeks her adorable self into the room and plops onto the bed with us.
8:48...my mom follows suit. it's a grown-up slumber party.
8:55...we've decided that we are all going to get ready quickly and go somewhere for breakfast.
9:50...dad returns home from coaching. the gang heads out in separate cars.
10:00-11:30...coffee, scones, muffins, and the morning paper at one of our favorite spots.
11:30...i leave with my sister for home, then we go for a run at a nearby trail.
2:30...head out in the car again for my brother's place.
3:00-7:30...kick-it with the family poolside...dad's barbecued chicken and salad for dinner. dad gets in the pool and decides to re-enact the fireworks show that is put on nightly at the epcot center at disney world. we are embarrassed but can't help but laugh hysterically.
8:00...drive my grandma home and talk to her about things that i'm guessing few 22 year-old's get the chance to talk about with their 83 year-old, newly-widowed grandmothers.
8:35 (right now)...unemployment has its perks.

full house

no no, i'm not going to start talking about the t.v. show. today, the fearsome threesome (mom, dad, and yours truly)has grown to five. my sister and grandma, who live out in california, will be spending the next week or so with us. we have all been looking forward to this moment with much anticipation, and i will especially enjoy the extra noise (sometimes it's just a bit too quiet here for my liking). right now we are all in the same room either reading the paper, working on the computer, or dozing in and out of consciousness from flying the red-eye. my brother has already clocked-in at work (a.k.a. online poker).
needless to say, the days leading up to their arrival consisted of various cleaning rituals. when guests are arriving--whether they be family or the queen of england--my mom adopts the persona of a dictator, listing off her demands to the lowly worker bees until the last possible second. i was proud of myself this time around because i actually took initiative before the dictator came to life. i happily told my parents which duties i would be taking care of in hopes that the whole process would run more smoothly and without unnecessary nagging. i cleaned the guest bedroom and changed the bedding. i scrubbed the bathroom, replaced the shower curtain, and emptied the garbage. i did everything i said i would with one exception: i did not vacuum the sand in the guest bathroom, and my mom made sure to remind me of that slip-up. what she doesn't know is that after i come home from volleyball training tonight the floor will inevitably be blessed with a few more grains...or rather, a few thousand.

a moment in time

it was another successful day at the office...yesterday, my beach volleyball partner and i took first place in a local beach tournament. we celebrated by sharing a six-pack and watching the remaining men's teams battle it out for glory. as i sat comfortably in the shade, i was acutely aware of just how happy i was at that moment. there just don't seem to be enough opportunities in life when one can bask in one's achievement both publicly and comfortably. maybe "bask" is the wrong word choice here...all i mean to say is that, in my opinion, few things compare to the feeling of being completely satisfied with your performance and able to reflect on that personal victory. if i were to describe to you the moments in my life when i have been perfectly at ease with the world, you would see me inside some gymnasium with a phone held up to one ear and a grin stretching across my face. i'm on the phone with my dad most likely, recalling the win my team just secured and the key plays that made it all possible. my words are eager and my mind is clear. the farthest that i can see into the future is what i could possibly be eating at my next meal. the sun has just risen and the possibilities are endless. my efforts have been rewarded and the team goal has been reached...there is nothing left to do but savor this moment in time. of course, time catches up to us, and after a couple of hours, the future returns to my consciousness larger than ever. the future represents a state of mind that is no longer open but filled with schedules and expectations, promises and doubt. the outlook is murky. poof. the bright feelings i just experienced becomes a distant memory, and all i can say is that it was another successful day at the office.

the only thing we have to fear is fear itself

i honestly can't figure out why creating this blog has become a source of angst for me. i haven't written an entry in over a week, and not because i have had no blog-worthy ideas circulating my brain, but because of something else. but what? i have my theories...perhaps i am too afraid to committ my thoughts and ideas because that makes them publically mine. anything that i happen to imagine in my head is safe there...safe from rejection, safe from ridicule, basically safe from anyone who can bring on the criticism and negativity. but what i keep safe is also kept hidden and suppressed. converting ideas to paper (or in this case, a virtual blog) makes them exposed to the world. i become exposed. hold up, you may be thinking. reality check: the world is not reading your blog! this is certainly true, for only a few people are probably reading my blog at this point. but even the thought of one person reading my work makes me self-conscious and doubtful of my abilities as a writer and communicator. i'm starting to realize that this is crazy! technology has made it possible for the dumbest of the dumb to profile themselves on the internet, why should i feel inferior? it's nonsensical, but it is my reality. i've never been able to keep up with a diary my entire life (despite several failed attempts)...so my logic goes, why should this blog be any different? why start something if i'm just going to end up bailing on it? everyone deals with combating fears of failure and this is just one more battle i have to try and overcome. i remind myself that we are talking about a harmless blog, but the fear of failure is significant no matter the setting. from here on out, i will stop approaching the boomeranger as a test of my capabilities but rather as an avenue for relating to others by way of releasing my thoughts so that they may become free, exposed, naked. besides, who doesn't like to be naked every now and then?

humdinger

you have all undoubtedly heard the phrase "time is money" be used before. but do you know who is credited with coining the term? take your best guess.

time's up: the man of the hour is benjamin franklin. surprised? i sure was. i had envisioned this most canonized term was coined in more recent history, say, within the last half century by a strapping man resembling don draper of the popular mad men series. i'm going to put aside the feelings of jealousy i have towards any individual who during their lifetime has managed to immortalize a phrase and instead share my train of thought: time equals money. i can agree with that. time in the working world is equated with a dollar amount, hence the expectation that the more hours you afford to a given task the more money you should expect to receive in return. obviously, the nature of the occupation calls for a variability in this equation, which we can see by the value society places on an hour's worth of work in a doctor's office compared to the same amount of time in a drive-thru window. so 'time' is a very valuable yet intangible entity. but what if we could objectify time...what if time was something we could touch, feel, and exchange between one another. imagine a world where this was possible. would time be earmarked into different categories, such as "family time", "personal time", and "a waste of time"? what kind of 'time' would you purchase, and at what cost? just imagine a world where money could actually be used to purchase a block of time. what would happen?