the morning after christmas...view from my:

bedroom window

driveway

mailbox

am i losing you?

my sister says that if i continue on this course of "blog celibacy" i will lose my readers. is that what i am doing here? has my silence translated into a resentful sense of abandonment on your part? am i losing you?

don't go. i am not lost, and you are not lost, and there should be no feeling of "loss" here on theboomeranger.

you wanna know the truth? i'm happy.

i blow up my mattress once before i go to bed and then a second time at around 3:00 a.m. almost every morning and i'm honestly, actually, despite this, happy. i've been reading a sizable amount of material the past few weeks to try and get my voice back but i think that there's another culprit contributing to my silence: writing when you are happy is hard. seriously. having something to rant about has served as the ignition to my creative and literary engine. reflecting on something that is negative in my life--or at least, something i perceive as being negative in my life at a given time--helps me transform a blank space into, well... a blank space with a lot of words. all that groaning and frustration seems to dissolve into something i can swallow and digest. sorry for the visual, but what comes out at the other end ends up being enlightening.

what i have to learn now is how to be in a state of happiness and still be able to write thoughtfully because part of this treacherous journey through the decade we call our twenties does include laughs, fulfillment, and joy. whodathought!?

the man of the house and his new houseguest are taking turns hitting the bong as i brew some coffee and defrost the blueberries that will go with my yogurt and crushed pecan morning creation.

"you workin'?" he says nonchalantly, noticing my fingers typing away on the keyboard.

"well, no...not today." pause. "i write, so, i pretend like i am getting paid."

"sure, just because you aren't getting paid doesn't mean that you aren't working."

(so true)

"...and just because you are getting paid doesn't mean you are working!" i offer back as he walks towards his corner of the couch.

nothing like some wisdom on a sunday morning.

golden retriever

the parents of the kids i was babysitting for are back together. he had been cheating on her since she was six months pregnant and apparently she had had enough and left the house--and him--with her baby girl in tow. that was about two weeks ago. now they are back together, because he is again the man that she met and fell in love with. the phrase "cold turkey" was even used to express his loyalty and devotion...in quotations...in a text message...to me. yah, a real golden retriever that husband is. and now i am being asked for my schedule next week because life goes on and kids still need to be picked up from school, driven to karate, and fed dinner.

well, that's exactly what i intend to do myself: go on. move on.

i had something of theirs that i had to return. a bike. a little red cruiser with a basket. they had kindly lent it to me for a couple weeks. i just had to return that bike. so yesterday i rode over and locked it to a tree outside their house. then i ran, literally ran to the beach and sat there for a while with the sun on my face and the sand in my feet and music in my ears.

as of now, they do not know that i am moving on...that i can't imagine being in that house again and making conversation with him. there is already too much negative energy in this world...why the hell would i invite it into my life? i feel sorry for those kids, i really do. but i have to put myself first. when i have my own family, they will come first. but now? i come first. it just has to be that way.