and now, to get in the spirit of things, a little halloween treat...i'm going to show you something so spooky, so frightening, you might just crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the day.




in case you are like me and have already dug into the trick-or-treater's candy stash, thus suffering from an early morning sugar rush, let me clarify: these are pictures of my parent's desktop computer. oh, and this is not a trick. happy halloween!

three strikes

five minutes ago i ordered a cup of coffee from a complete douche. when i approached the register to order, he was pre-occupied with jotting down numbers or something, so i patiently stood there and waited for him to utter any kind of response. meanwhile, a second customer lined up behind me. he didn’t even acknowledge us, taking his sweet time to slide his little activity aside before finally looking up at me. strike number one. then i ordered a large cup and handed him the money. he filled a large mug full of the good stuff and set it down on a nearby countertop. it didn’t occur to him to ask whether i wanted my coffee in a to-go cup. strike number two. still, in spite of all this, my politeness shined through and i offered him an undeserving “thank you”. no reply. strike number three. so, let me get this straight...while i struggle to get a job, this shmuck is receiving a paycheck for acting like this to customers? don’t they teach you in customer service 101 to smile and make eye contact with people? is it not common sense in any line of work to use the expressions “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “have a nice day”? . who the hell hired this guy? and why am i sitting here, still unemployed, while jerks like him fill the workplace? even if you are having a bad day-which is totally understandable- you can at least fake a smile.

well, nothing i can do about it, except for wish that i was an undercover restaurant critic right about now. i will just have to swallow my bitterness and continue filling out applications and handing off my resume. my most recent job search endeavor is with bakeries and catering companies. in the past two days i will have personally applied for a position as a cake decorator, catering coordinator, private events caterer, and general sales staff member at six different business. the style in which each business handles their applicants has varied, which makes it all the more confusing and difficult for me. While one bakery says on their website that, “any application not received in person will not be seriously considered,” another accepts their applications strictly online. it’s a challenge just trying to navigate all the different modes of landing an interview. do you call ahead of time or just drop-in? do you wait until the owner is available to talk or leave your resume with whoever happens to be working there at the time? and when is it appropriate to call for a follow-up? i really wish i was given all these answers in my college years, but i don’t have the time to invent a time machine this afternoon.

i’m apprehensive. i’m intimidated. i’ve been getting headaches from all the things i have been putting off and all the questions that have gone unanswered. will i get a call back for an interview? will i be employed by thanksgiving? thankfully, i always have my parents to lean on for comfort. let me leave you with some fatherly advice i received only yesterday:

“you should find something that intrigues you...a place where you believe in their product.”

“yes, that’s the goal. but i really need money now.”

“how about counterfeit bills? if you get really good, you won’t get arrested.”

“i’ll look into it.”

FLORIDA: the realization

okay, i did it. i paid my own way to the sunshine state and boarded the plane. i lived out of my suitcase and tried to be a good guest to the people who opened up their homes. i sat in the car as we drove three hours west along alligator alley. i dug my feet into the sand at pompano beach, deerfield beach, ft. lauderdale, and siesta key. i explored neighborhoods and local fare. i braved the wind on that cloudy, tournament day and did my best to hide my disappointment when that last match did not go quite the way we would’ve liked. basically, i gave the state of florida my undivided, hopeful attention for four long days. and this is what i realized:

i can’t live in florida.

it’s not because of the way the elderly population made me feel like somebody’s lost grandchild, or that the pale pink and green buildings made me feel a tad nauseous (although those things didn’t help). it was a feeling that came over me slowly but surely...something telling me that i would be happy as a visitor but not as a resident. yes, there is good beach volleyball talent, but it is segregated into small pockets throughout the state. i am in no mood to spend weeks and months edging myself into the right “posse” of women athletes. i’d much rather head straight to where the sport was born and continues to thrive: the sandy beaches of southern california.
the positive aspects of this region have outweighed the negative-and i am truly surprised by this outcome. you see, while my friends continued to nudge me towards the west coast, i was pulling back in favor of the east, where I had invested time and energy researching and making contacts. i was at the point where i was willing to start a whole new chapter of my life in florida. my reasoning was that i had already experienced california culture growing up, so why not immerse myself in something different? i think a part of me wanted to be a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond. and speaking completely honestly, i also think that i have been a little afraid to swim with the big fish. Okay, enough fishy metaphors...the point is that i let my fears get in the way of what was best for me. all this time i’ve been trying to convince myself that florida is the right choice when california was the right choice all along. certain characteristics of california suddenly came to light as i was experiencing florida. like the fact that due to california’s continual coastline, what takes place on the beach and what takes place in the surrounding community is interactive rather than disconnected. i feel a little crazy that only two weeks ago i was heavily invested in florida and now i am so NOT. i have effectively abandoned-ship from “operation move to florida” and embarked on “operation move to california”. i’m already telling my friends and acquaintances that, like biggie smalls, “i’m goin’ goin’, back back, to cali cali”... though not in those words exactly ;) some of them are probably thinking to themselves what an incredibly indecisive and impulsive young child i must be. but truth is, i’m just a child who has seen the light and who is fortunate enough to be able to follow it.

main lesson here: even if you feel like your mind is set against one choice, don’t write it off completely until you have given its alternative ample consideration. we tend to see what we want to see, which can lead us to blindly ignore what is favorable about something for the sake of focusing our energy on what we perceive as negative. when you release yourself from the exhausting task of pitting one option against another, the answers you’ve been fishin’ for suddenly come to light (there’s those damn fish again!). i feel like sometimes i am quick to make decisions because the act of making a decision-big or small-is self-empowering and rewarding in itself. in our rush to be decisive lurks the unattractive risk of making the wrong choice. open your eyes and see the light my friends. easier said than done, i know...especially if you’ve ever seen the menu at cheesecake factory.

brownie or black?

i met my friend for a drink last night at a very hip place in downtown raleigh...sort of like a bar, restaurant, and cafe all fused into one. the eatery always attracts a very diverse crowd and the cheap pbr beer is surely a crowd-pleaser. anyways, i had insisted that i join her because i wanted to meet her friend who happened to be a designer. in case you didn't know, i'm all about creativity as a profession.
i didn't get to pick his brain nearly as much as i would've liked to, but i did learn a few things about him and the events leading up to who he was today. like how his initial project of exposing the beauty within old, decaying, and abandoned architecture eventually turned into a profitable job photographing newly erected, "perfect" buildings. ironic, no? i especially like this biographical tidbit because it shows us how following one direction in life can open the door to a completely different (and in this case, completely opposite) direction.
we began talking more about his current work consisting of designing books and an apple app (no big deal), which lead him to express his frustrations with life. he was experiencing a lack of motivation and drive for no good reason, something we can surely all relate to. this upset him because he didn't know how we was going to get himself out of this funk. he had contemplated leaving carolina for a few days to clear his head, but that would be difficult for him considering his tight budget. he made a good point about how it is hard to be creative when during every hour of every day you are thinking about money and the bills you have to pay. we all nodded our heads in agreement, taking a swig of our beers.
i sensed a pause--a lull, if you will--in the conversation, for which i began to fill with my own qualms in life. there i went, asking the table if they thought my finger nails were brown or black. wanting the most perfect brown hue to accentuate my hands, i had just recently bought a bottle of nail polish called "brownie". i expressed my concern over whether they actually came across as brown or if they were dangerously close to the gothic black look. little did i know that a tiny storm was brewing inside my new friend, the designer. he finally let loose...we couldn't keep the laughter from spilling out as he reenacted how i had just countered his financial and professional troubles with the crisis of finding the right color. his tone was patronizing yet playful as he ranted on about how my life must obviously be good if i am complaining about something as insignificant as nail polish. i took absolutely no offense because it was hilarious to listen to this guy point out how cushiony most of our young lives actually are when we take a moment to breathe and look at the big picture. i was reminded of a similar "dilemma" i had while in new york city: "how the hell am i going to transport all these cupcakes on the plane ride home!?"
for the reason that life is relative, i don't believe in measuring the quality of one's life against another by simply assessing what each person has and does not have. we all have our moments when we complain about the expensive shoes that are giving us blisters or how the accent of our newly-installed navigational system is a little too british for our liking. we shouldn't have to justify that our lives are indeed challenging and stressful because these irritations happen to infiltrate our conversations with others. sometimes it's nice to complain about the little things because it takes our mind off of the big things. however, last night, the sign of a good life was measured by a .5 ounce bottle of goo...whether the goo is actually brownie or black is still under debate.

listen to your gut

my older brother did a wonderful thing this morning. it was 8:30 a.m. and i was still half-asleep when he called for some...advice. my ears immediately perked up and i listened as he explained how he was torn between going into work today and turning around to take a job interview. you see, my brother is currently an employee for a family-owned business that affords him the security of a paycheck but absolutely no challenge. he will text me just an hour into work about how bored he already is, and when we talk about his job, i am saddened and frustrated that his natural energy and personable qualities are being wasted daily.
motivated to improve his situation yet cautious of jumping into anything on a whim (he was a pizza delivery man for a total of twenty-four hours before quitting), my brother continues to search for other opportunities while at his current job. which brings us to the reason why he called me in the first place...should he continue on his way to work or take the day off to attend an interview instead? the interview was for a management position at the front desk of a hotel. he expressed his concerns over the hours: 3-11 p.m. on most weekdays and weekends (i knew exactly what he had surely already calculated in his head...less time to watch baseball, football, and basketball...oh, the humanity!). anyhow, my brother had intended to decline taking the interview on account of the hours and drive into work. but as he was driving, he started to second-guess his decision, hence resulting in a conversation with his little, unemployed sister (i can't help but wonder whether or not i would've still been his first choice to call if it wasn't 5:30 a.m. pacific time where our older, employed sister lives).
i could sense in his voice that he wanted to take a chance. i told him that the hours were really not that bad...that he could still go out on the weekends and also have a day or two off during the week. i told him that walking into the hotel and taking the interview would give him a much better sense of whether or not the job would be a good fit for him. i assured him that if he proved dependable and hard-working, his hours would more than likely change down the road. essentially, i told him what his gut was already trying to tell him: turn this damn truck around and take the interview! so he did.
although not a scary, gut-wrenching story, let my brother's morning be a reminder to us all that our gut is something worth listening to. as twenty-something men and women, we all face similar situations that leave us torn between what we already have and what we could have. this is the time in our lives when we are continually defining and re-defining what our "dream job" is. do we find a "safe" job that bores us to death but pays the bills? or do we opt for something enticing that may leave us (gulp) living with our parents? there is obviously substantial gray area between these two extremes, but i am not a believer in attending an unfulfilled job day after day just for the sake of "doing your time" at the bottom of the job market food chain. i think that it makes the most sense to start out at the bottom if the bottom is at least within the industry that you love. by all means, work at a fast-food chain if it is restaurant management that you are passionate about. don't settle for something that you can never see yourself being a part of professionally. i understand that we all face varying degrees of financial (and emotional) burdens which can thwart our aspirations, but sacrificing our passions in favor of, well, ANYTHING, is possibly the worst mistake we can make. my understanding is that the older we get, the greater our responsibilities become and the greater our sacrifices are. take responsibility for the people you love and the things you love, and in that same breadth, make sacrifices for the sake of those same reasons. if that means turning your truck around to take an interview, then turn your damn truck around.

home alone

my monday:

8:30 a.m. wake-up (extremely groggy) to the sound of my cat, logan, creating noise with some loose papers in another successful attempt to get me up and take him outside.
8:32 a.m. return to bed and sleep for another hour or so.
9:25 a.m. wake-up (again)...feeling particularly hungry this time. go downstairs and turn on regis and kelly. ground coffee beans, fix myself some strawberries and toast, and search frantically for the coffee filter.
9:45 a.m. drag my discouraged and head-achy self to the garage to feed our dog, toby. take toby outside for a quick walk to the mailbox and back. he barks at every moving object and pulls hard on the leash (some things never change). take our neighbors paper on my way back to the house (surely they must be out of town).
10:00 a.m. watch music videos while reading the morning paper. call parents. dad takes me through how to use the coffee maker.
11:00 a.m. gilmore girls. coffee is weak - i definitely screwed something up.
12:00 p.m. change into workout clothes. proceed to partake in lazy cereal consumption: a bowl of cereal without the milk, spoon, or bowl. head out.
12:15 p.m. walk a nearby 3-mile trail...lose myself in a marathon of daydreams...i'm competing in a professional beach volleyball match, i'm leading an exercise class in southern california, i'm hosting saturday night live...
1:15 p.m. shop for some groceries.
2:30 p.m. return home and feed toby some lunch. go out on the back porch and read the thanksgiving issue of martha stewart living. ear-tag some recipes i'd like to try (homemade pumpkin-pie spice and cinnamon custard pie!).
3:45 p.m. prepare all the ingredients and kitchen tools necessary for baking a highly-anticipated apple granola recipe, courtesy of smittenkitchen.com . start the process of peeling, coring, and slicing 3 lbs of apples while taking an unusual interest in the oprah show (this is when i really started to feel like miss susie homemaker).
4:30 p.m. slide my creation in the oven and wait. check my favorite blogs on the computer and (i can't believe i'm admitting this...) begin watching another episode of gilmore girls.
5:15 p.m. enjoy my dinner...or should i say breakfast? relish in my ability to be domestic when i want to be.
6:00 - 7:30 p.m. basically do nothing but fool around on the computer and make a list of all the people i really should call in the near future.
7:30 p.m. catch the last few innings of the yankees vs. angels playoff game. watch house.
9:30 p.m. take a hot shower. put the animals to sleep. crawl into bed, switch on pandora radio, and begin typing...

quickie

coming to you live from panera bread in st. petersburg, florida. and before you say how disappointed you are in me for going to a chain, we did try a local coffee place first but left because we would've had to pay them to use their computers for internet access (lame). coffee is sub-par here but the classical music playing in the background is really putting my mind at ease. this trip has made it very cloudy.
we woke up around brunch time and ate our breakfast at a family-owned diner in downtown st. petersburg. then we drove around in search of beach apparel and stopped in a couple quintessential surf shacks. that's something i miss about living in caifornia: the surf shops. maybe north carolina is too pre-occupied with providing tar heel, blue devil, and wolf pack gear to care.
my florida adventure will be ending soon for tonight we (my beach volleyball partner, friend/trainer, and myself) will fly out of tampa and be returning home. i want to tell you about my experience here but i've decided to hold off until i am back in chapel hill...that way the whole trip will be behind me, giving me the chance to truly reflect (and i predict there will be a lot of reflecting).
so that said, a comprehensive florida re-cap is coming your way...along with new tales about what it will be like to have the entire house to myself for a week. yep, that's right...yours truly will be occupying all three levels of the townhouse by herself while the parents are off visiting the west coast. which leads me to wonder...if you take the parents out of the house and leave the boomeranger, what's left?

nickel and dime me

just when we thought that starbucks had us by the balls, we stumbled upon "brew", an urban cafe in downtown fort lauderdale. although barely recognizable and just a stone's throw away from some railroad tracks, that didn't deter me when the barista confirmed that yes, they have wi-fi. thank god! "you don't know what we've been through," i wanted to say, but stopped myself when i realized how dramatic that sounded. still, we had just driven up and down the streets of florida looking for an establishment that was somewhere between a dump and a four-star hotel that offered coffee and internet access. you wouldn't think it would be so hard, but with the added fun of six dollar an hour (yes, SIX dollars per hour)parking garages and up to ten dollars for the internet, you have to dodge more than just pedestrians. shouldn't there be some kind of nation-wide symbol for wi-fi that businesses can post on their storefronts to save us from all this angst? in this technological and caffeinated world we live in, i feel that coffee and wi-fi should go together like peanut butter and jelly. it's time the competitive market starts weeding out these cafes that charge an arm and a leg for internet access. i'd rather pay ten cents more for my coffee knowing that i'll be able to check my e-mail freely. and don't think for a second that we managed to find free parking on top of free internet (now that would just be too good to be true, wouldn't it?)...the government will soon be pocketing our 1.25 per hour fees.

more to come from the "sunshine" state...

coaching: the new condom

tonight marks the last night of what i have come to call my "hour of free birth control". for the last month and a half or so i have helped run a youth volleyball program that's held bi-weekly for an hour. the program is offered by a prestigious north carolina volleyball club and is a great stepping-stone for young girls looking to learn more about the sport. when i signed-up for the gig i had no idea that the kids would provide me with so much entertainment.
ranging from 2nd grade to 8th grade, these little tykes embody such a wide scope of personalities it will make your head spin (as it did mine). there's the outspoken and the deathly shy, the comfortable and the self-conscious, the calm and the rambunctious. one girl makes it her personal mission to sprint to and from the water fountain on water breaks--i can't imagine ever having to put her to bed at night. another girl was obviously taught that there is no such thing as a stupid question for her hand shoots up every single time we are addressing the group (no exaggeration here). during a drill the other week, one of the girls cupped her hands over her mouth as she mumbled something unrecognizable to me...so i just assumed she got hit in the mouth with a ball and sent her to the bathroom to clean up. turns out i was a little off...the girl actually threw up on the court. she later told me that this happens all the time to her and that she didn't know why her mouth was open instead of closed like it usually is. precious.
so thank you, youth volleyball program parents, for bringing your hyperactive, uncoordinated, and apparently sick children to these weekly sessions. not only have i learned a great deal about how and how not to communicate with girls at this age, i have learned that i am in no way ready to handle one for the other twenty-three hours of the day.

java junkie

currently at my favorite stop in town for some bottomless coffee and free internet access. i come here at least once a week to just park myself at a table and let the hours roll by. oftentimes i'll come with my parents but more recently i've been a steady party of one, mostly for the reason that there is no telling when i'm going to end up leaving. call me a hipster (as one of my friends likes to), but i just love going to different coffee shops and bakeries to read the paper, work on my computer, or catch up on my correspondence. it makes an unemployed person like myself feel productive. i am especially lucky today because i have a fresh copy of inc. magazine. the articles inspire me to translate my thoughts and ideas to paper...to slap self-doubt in the face. when i read people's personal anecdotes about their businesses, my faith in the equation: a good idea plus hard work equals success, is revived. i am also quite content this morning because i sprung for the bowl of granola over just the cup, something i treat myself with only after bringing home some winnings from my latest beach competition.

i actually have a rather important call to make...i need to follow-up on a coaching opportunity in florida. a women who i've been in contact with is the director of a volleyball club that i wouldn't mind getting involved in. call it a "foot in the door" opportunity. since i'll be in the sunshine state this weekend for a competition, my best-case scenario is to meet up with her over coffee and completely charm her into trusting me to coach at her club. how is it that the act of "grabbing a cup of coffee" can hold so much potential and importance in our social world? i've read that social isolation can actually make people feel cold, so much so that someone on the receiving end of social iciness will crave a hot drink (which gives new meaning to phrases like, "he gave me the cold shoulder"). but surely there is more to it than that, otherwise people would be ordering shots of hot chocolate over tequila on a saturday night. i feel that coffee has become somewhat of a security blanket in our society. we bond around the coffee-maker like we would a fire-pit when camping--it brings us warmth both physically and emotionally. if we are unable to enjoy a cup at home, we take it to-go, or plan a visit to a nearby cafe altogether. some people have to have their cup of java in the morning, making it as routine as slipping their right shoe on before their left. as for myself, i feel energized and particularly ambitious when drinking it. whether you like the stuff or not, i don't think you can deny the leading role it has in the play we call life. if i were to be any food or beverage, i would have to choose coffee. some may say an alcoholic drink would be the way to go (open the floodgates to embarrassing and regrettable encounters!), yet i would forgo the endless entertainment for a chance to witness the power that coffee holds. its presence is at the workplace, the kitchen table, the middle of important business transactions, college campus libraries, that first meeting between two strangers. i would be able to witness those nervous, flirtatious moments that dance around a couples' initial meeting. not to mention, i would get to tap into the creative minds of those throwing ideas around about a marketing campaign, or a movie script, or the design of the newest and most innovative apple product...think of all the conversations i could eavesdrop on!

what just happened? i started out talking about why i like to spend hours inside a coffee shop and drifted to talking about reincarnating myself into a caffeinated beverage. could i ever get paid for just thinking outside the box? what say you? that perhaps i should keep certain things to myself? alright, i can take a hint...my coffee is getting cold anyway. signing off.

part III: the grass is always greener...

...on the other side of the fence. this is one of my favorite sayings. it is just so damn true. you have curly hair, you want straight hair. you’re in a healthy relationship yet you crave the freedom afforded to your single friends. from your bedroom window you see your neighbor’s front yards but can’t help but wonder if you would rather be looking down a city block. our tendency to want what we don’t have invades our everyday lives. we are, by nature, very social beings that cannot help but notice others and compare our lifestyles to theirs. the obvious shortcoming to this obsession to compare and contrast leads us to question the path our lives are currently on. i catch myself second-guessing my own happiness because of something good i perceive in the choices that another has made.

it happens all the time. take, for instance, my recent trip to new york city. i got the chance to experience the world from a manhattan apartment. in those three short days i did things that i rarely (if ever) do here in carolina. greet the doorman, hail a cab, try to navigate the subway system, pass a dozen hot dog stands on my way to central park, pay eleven dollars for a drink... (okay that last one was still definitely worth it). the friend i stayed with has a great set-up in the city: an apartment with drama-free roommates, a secure job, exciting dating prospects, and limitless possibilities for eating and entertainment. by witnessing her mornings and evenings—full of structure and drive—i could tell that she was content with her post-graduate life. but i also could not help but notice that her routine could not have been father from my own. she gets up in the early morning to squeeze in a workout before hopping on a train to work. i get up when i feel like it and squeeze into my bathing suit for “work”. she has a team-building function for her job and is stressed about the thirty e-mails left unanswered on her computer. i become exceptionally giddy when i have one e-mail that isn’t a notification from j-crew about free shipping. she takes pride in knowing the location and perks of every cupcake vendor in the city. i take pride in avoiding businesses where cupcakes are sold (though i do have my weaknesses).

all that said, when someone you admire and respect is doing well on their own two feet, you can’t help but envision yourself in their shoes. should i be living in an apartment in the city? should i be strutting down crowded streets in skirts and heels, making my way to join some co-workers for a drink? and, most importantly, should i be eating more cupcakes? okay, that last one is not a serious consideration of mine, but the point is that a million of questions pop into your head when you are in comparison land. yes, comparison land. that’s what christine hassler calls it in her book. she makes an excellent observation when she writes that, “in an unpredictable world with an overwhelming number of options, it’s natural to want to model our lives after someone whose life seems to “work” or based on a plan that we invent for ourselves and believe we can control. fear of the unknown and failure makes such modeling even more tempting.” she really hits it on the nail here. my generation grew up being told that we can be anything we want to be. the downside to this mindset is that we become overwhelmed by all the career options available to us, making picking and choosing a constant and exhausting process. so naturally we try to narrow the scope of all the lives we could potentially lead by modeling after people we perceive to be happy and successful. it’s like shopping around for an outfit...without the luxury of a mirror to see if what you are buying actually fits.

hessler reminds us that having someone else’s characteristics would make us a different person living a different life, with a different perspective and most likely a different set of problems. yes, problems! every line of work has its share of sacrifices. we end up forgetting that those sacrifices exist because we are too focused on our rosy picture of someone’s life. i can’t feel bad about myself because i’m not the city girl with a career in finances, or the girl in med school training to be a doctor, or even the girl who just drove across the country. all of these girls are close friends of mine. I need to remember that i am not doing what they are doing for a reason...that i have characteristics that have led me down the path i am currently on, and these qualities make the person i am today. i have no doubt that i will continue to “shop” for ideas and advice from those i meet and come to admire. the difference between me now and me last month is that i now realize that some individuals who i have compared myself to in the past have lives that i know deep down i would not even want.

each and every day we are faced with a multitude of choices. left or right? ttay put or re-locate? take this job offer or hold out for a better one? the best that we can do is look within ourselves for the answers to these questions. there will always be something that seems more attractive on the other side of the fence...the key is realizing that your neighbor is most likely thinking the same thing.