part III: the grass is always greener...

...on the other side of the fence. this is one of my favorite sayings. it is just so damn true. you have curly hair, you want straight hair. you’re in a healthy relationship yet you crave the freedom afforded to your single friends. from your bedroom window you see your neighbor’s front yards but can’t help but wonder if you would rather be looking down a city block. our tendency to want what we don’t have invades our everyday lives. we are, by nature, very social beings that cannot help but notice others and compare our lifestyles to theirs. the obvious shortcoming to this obsession to compare and contrast leads us to question the path our lives are currently on. i catch myself second-guessing my own happiness because of something good i perceive in the choices that another has made.

it happens all the time. take, for instance, my recent trip to new york city. i got the chance to experience the world from a manhattan apartment. in those three short days i did things that i rarely (if ever) do here in carolina. greet the doorman, hail a cab, try to navigate the subway system, pass a dozen hot dog stands on my way to central park, pay eleven dollars for a drink... (okay that last one was still definitely worth it). the friend i stayed with has a great set-up in the city: an apartment with drama-free roommates, a secure job, exciting dating prospects, and limitless possibilities for eating and entertainment. by witnessing her mornings and evenings—full of structure and drive—i could tell that she was content with her post-graduate life. but i also could not help but notice that her routine could not have been father from my own. she gets up in the early morning to squeeze in a workout before hopping on a train to work. i get up when i feel like it and squeeze into my bathing suit for “work”. she has a team-building function for her job and is stressed about the thirty e-mails left unanswered on her computer. i become exceptionally giddy when i have one e-mail that isn’t a notification from j-crew about free shipping. she takes pride in knowing the location and perks of every cupcake vendor in the city. i take pride in avoiding businesses where cupcakes are sold (though i do have my weaknesses).

all that said, when someone you admire and respect is doing well on their own two feet, you can’t help but envision yourself in their shoes. should i be living in an apartment in the city? should i be strutting down crowded streets in skirts and heels, making my way to join some co-workers for a drink? and, most importantly, should i be eating more cupcakes? okay, that last one is not a serious consideration of mine, but the point is that a million of questions pop into your head when you are in comparison land. yes, comparison land. that’s what christine hassler calls it in her book. she makes an excellent observation when she writes that, “in an unpredictable world with an overwhelming number of options, it’s natural to want to model our lives after someone whose life seems to “work” or based on a plan that we invent for ourselves and believe we can control. fear of the unknown and failure makes such modeling even more tempting.” she really hits it on the nail here. my generation grew up being told that we can be anything we want to be. the downside to this mindset is that we become overwhelmed by all the career options available to us, making picking and choosing a constant and exhausting process. so naturally we try to narrow the scope of all the lives we could potentially lead by modeling after people we perceive to be happy and successful. it’s like shopping around for an outfit...without the luxury of a mirror to see if what you are buying actually fits.

hessler reminds us that having someone else’s characteristics would make us a different person living a different life, with a different perspective and most likely a different set of problems. yes, problems! every line of work has its share of sacrifices. we end up forgetting that those sacrifices exist because we are too focused on our rosy picture of someone’s life. i can’t feel bad about myself because i’m not the city girl with a career in finances, or the girl in med school training to be a doctor, or even the girl who just drove across the country. all of these girls are close friends of mine. I need to remember that i am not doing what they are doing for a reason...that i have characteristics that have led me down the path i am currently on, and these qualities make the person i am today. i have no doubt that i will continue to “shop” for ideas and advice from those i meet and come to admire. the difference between me now and me last month is that i now realize that some individuals who i have compared myself to in the past have lives that i know deep down i would not even want.

each and every day we are faced with a multitude of choices. left or right? ttay put or re-locate? take this job offer or hold out for a better one? the best that we can do is look within ourselves for the answers to these questions. there will always be something that seems more attractive on the other side of the fence...the key is realizing that your neighbor is most likely thinking the same thing.