just another chimp

wheels = power

and by "wheels" i mean having a car. i curse myself now because i should've known after going four years without a car in college that this situation was going to eventually weigh down on me. i am so sick of asking to borrow my roommates cars. i don't go to half the places i'd like to go either because there simply is no car for me to use at the time or i feel like i am putting someone else at an inconvenience just by asking. how i miss my little red focus.

i am beginning to grasp the immense freedom and ultimately power that the "key holders" of the house possess. freedom because that's exactly what you feel when you get behind the wheel, and power because, well, freedom is power people! i've been analyzing my own behavior and the results are sad.

i'll suppress my own emotions in order to secure a ride to the grocery store. i'll let events that really irritate me roll off my shoulders instead because how can i exchange unpleasantries with a roommate one second and then ask to borrow their car the next? doesn't work in theory and doesn't work in practice. it's the worst. thought about seeing a movie tonight (by myself, of course) but couldn't because one owner is out to dinner and the other is a person i can't even stomach to look at right now. if only i could speak completely freely about my living situation...if only you could see through my honest eyes...i should really call it "decomposing" situation rather than "living" because i don't feel like i am alive here. i feel like i am on guard, or on a battlefield, walking on the toes of my feet to avoid the grenades that lay hidden underneath the carpet.

it was in one of my latter college psychology courses that i studied how chimpanzees compete with one another to gain access to resources, may those be in the form of food. or territory. or sex. and you know what? it's the same for us humans. it's that simple. each day marks another attempt to secure the resources that we--and those who depend on us--need for survival, nourishment, and fulfillment. for some, that resource may be higher on the pyramid, like securing that reservation at the new swanky restaurant in town. for those who live a simpler life, that resource may just be being able to take a drive to accomplish something that fills us with joy...which takes me back to where i started: those who have access to resources hold the power, and vice versa.

and in this scenario, i'm without question the weakest, most sex-deprived chimp of the pack.