city of angels

i have a problem:

i don't know what to tell you.

i have SO much to tell you that i don't know where to start, or where to end, or where to pick up from where we left off.

maybe it's my surroundings...the music they are playing at borders right now makes me want to go into the bathroom and cry. and i'm distracted because i'm worried that the coconut milk i just bought and left in the car is on the pathway to destruction. and it's a bit drafty in here...

no. you know what? these are all excuses. the problem lies with me. all the stuff that is circling through my head is just scary and confusing and i'm being lazy by not sorting through it. so i'm just one scared, confused, and lazy person right now. those qualities do not make for a good combination. i need to be fearless, have a clear mind, and have a zealous swagger. especially considering what i am up against:

come august 9th, four will become one. that is the day that my three compadres will hit route 40 and not look back. i'll be the girl in the driveway, standing there amongst her boxed-up possessions, and giving her best poker face.

as you can see, i have a lot of details to figure out. like who am i going to live with? and where? can i be happy in this part of the country, away from family and some of the closest relationships i have built over the years? can i survive on just a waitressing paycheck in the city of angels? i don't know why they call it that, but i was visited by a few angels just the other day. they happened to be a married couple who i was waiting on at my restaurant, and over the course of their meal, i had revealed to them (in short) my intention to not let this city "chew me and spit me out". along with the bill and tip, they left me this:

a good luck sentiment paper-clipped to a five dollar bill that, for me, holds more value than any five dollar bill i've ever held. when and on what i'll spend it? that i can't tell you, but their gesture made my day, and it reminded me that there are angels in this city. you just have to allow yourself to be touched by one.