haves and have nots

immediately after i wrote the eloquent three sentences in the post below, i closed my computer shut, tossed my ¾ full shitty latte in the trash (in true soap opera style), and stormed out of the coffee shop. i just couldn’t sit there and pretend that i wasn’t royally pissed off and hurt by the fact that my partner and i could not play in the tournament this weekend. so i walked. i walked back towards the apartment until i could feel my vulnerability rising with every step. better to let the ocean see me like this, i thought to myself. so i kicked off my sandals and perched myself against one of many volleyball posts situated on manhattan beach. just my self-pity and the pacific ocean.

if your beach body had walked by me right then you wouldn’t be able to tell that i was crying, but i would be a liar if i said that i didn’t take advantage of the “run to the beach and cry” cliché. what stopped the emotional bleeding was a phone call to my best friend. normal people call their best friends when they are upset, so i thought i would give it a try. i think normal people are on to something…either that or i just picked the right person to call. she told me that i could be upset today but tomorrow i could not. she told me that’s it’s okay that i feel crushed because, as twenty-somethings, it’s hard not to take everything that goes wrong as a personal blow since we are the ones now making the decisions. she said that the uneasiness i feel about not having a paycheck--even after only being here for a week--is a good thing because it shows i have the motivation and drive to make something of myself. she clarified that the people who just live their lives perfectly content being a wet rag are the losers and we are the winners. would you disagree with someone who was calling you a winner?

i’m really glad i called her because as i walked to the beach all i could think about was everything that i didn’t have. i don’t have a tournament to play in this weekend. i don’t have a job. i don’t have a doctor, or a dentist, or any kind of healthcare professional. i don’t have a loofa (you wouldn't be laughing if you knew the scrubbing effort it takes to remove remnants of the beach from your feet). i don’t even have sufficient lighting in my room—alright, let me try to be positive here…i have a burned out light bulb!

okay, my point is that my mind could only process the 'have nots' in my life, not the 'haves'. until i gave myself some time to calm down, i had forgotten about the beautiful beach i was sitting on, the incredible friends i have, the flowers that are sitting in gatorade bottles around the apartment…it's times like these that i turn to this song to remind me of all my 'haves' and shove aside the 'have nots':

...darius rucker, alright...