shoe shopping

i hate hate hate my last post.

it was short. it was shallow. i can't imagine that anyone who unfortunately read it could take away anything meaningful from it, and i wish i could give you those thirty seconds of your life back.

it's what i would refer to as a cowardly post...a collection of sentences that contain feelings and thoughts with no attempt at finding a resolution.

so i should "cowboy up", as my good friend says. damnit, face the music!

alright, alright...i'm afraid to fail. are you happy?

social. i pass up invitations to hang out with people because i'm afraid that if i don't have a good time the evening would just be a failure and prevent future hangouts. physical. i can be very reluctant and nervous to play volleyball with certain individuals because if i don't perform than i'm that failure on the court. this has lead me to opt out of competing in recent tournaments on the basis that saving thirty dollars (and an afternoon) is better than the thought of losing. aspirational. i convince myself that i am "too tired" or not in "the right creative mood" to generate ideas relating to this blog and where i aspire to take it because if i pursue an idea that idea could ultimately fail.

(this pretty much makes me the last person on earth who should give a motivational speech right now, doesn't it? just checking.)

aside from the obvious pitfall, that being the inability to take an idea or goal and run with it, the fear of failure basically screws with your sense of motivation. for instance, am i no longer paying a coach for training sessions because they don't serve as much value to me in this point in time or because i don't want to under-perform? are my actions a result of my own fears or are they honest signs that i truly don't want to be pursuing something? my own p.i., as in polish influence--my new friend/older sister figure who just so happens to be polish like me--would say that we are afraid of our own greatness. so forget about failure, maybe it's our potential to be great that we are so afraid of...that i am so afraid of. how does that shoe fit? i'm not sure which i would rather walk in, but i'm guessing that either way i need to find me a new pair of shoes.

do any of these scream "i am limitless" or should i go with something with a little more heel?