silly

WHO AM I !?

and i don't mean in the philosophical sense of the question...i mean, quite bluntly,

who the f am i !?

posing this question following the simple fact that i just traded a sheriffs badge silly band for a batman silly band with a borders bookstore employee. as he was counting the obscene $5.57 i had just dished out for a magazine, i noticed his collection of silly bandz inhabiting both his wrists and pulled up my own sleeve to reveal my three rubbery companions. connection. he showed me spiderman, the joker, and batman. i showed him my money sign, horseshoe, and sheriffs badge (all given by friends). then i said goodbye and left borders only to return two seconds later and propose a trade: my sheriffs badge for his batman. i wanted it, badly. he accepted and, though brief, our exchange of silly bandz was as ceremonious as wedding bands beneath the alter. "now we are friends," i offered, this time leaving borders and not going back.

i never thought that i would wear a silly band in my life, let alone take part in the growing trend of trading them, but it only takes one friend to turn you on to something new. it's such a simple act of tit-for-tat, like two kids trading their halloween candy, but proves that we are never too old to part with something that was once ours in the name of friendship. (or batman).

hanging from a rope

"can't believe we live here" texted one of my so-cal buddies as i was enjoying a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice and a veggie omelet at martha's, a restaurant in hermosa beach where the patio is littered with umbrellas and the ocean close enough to taste. my friend and i were enjoying a much deserved post-workout meal under the comfort of the shade. we had just played six games of gnarly volleyball, meaning long rallies and close scores. the entire morning i was just feeling so blessed to be playing my favorite sport on what felt like a hot-summer's day with three extremely talented and driven athletes. the sweat and sunscreen were coupling effortlessly in the corner of my eyes while my legs were begging for mercy...only my mind was fully aware of how beneficial my "running around chasing a ball half-naked" routine is. the only way to get better is to play with people who are better than you. soooo i didn't win a match. minor details. i held my own, and i'm climbing my own mountain. we finish playing and guess who runs up from the water? nicole-branagh, now partnering with kerri walsh. no big deal. when i got home, i took a picture of my butt showing off my tan lines and sent it to a few friends. the new yorkers haven't responded yet...could be hanging from a rope.

don't look at the weather report for hermosa beach...you'll just get very, very upset.

e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g

back in los angeles.

back to "the grind" which, for most out there, means back to grumpy monday mornings followed by four more work days before diving headfirst into the weekend.

for me, it means about three waitressing shifts per week, playing beach volleyball in the mornings, grocery bags dangling from my handle bars, coffee shop visits where i appear as if i'm checking my stocks, and long walks where i attempt to lose myself. i lose everything: my inhibitions, my fears, my calories. i become a daydreamer vulnerable to being pummeled by a car, or at the very least, a pile of dog shit. the lyrics all blend together until all i can hear are the melodies and how they compliment my stride and the leaves beneath my feet. here, i am in flow. here, i am on my knees beside myself after just winning my first major volleyball tournament in front of my family and friends. here, i am flying to san francisco to promote my first book. here, i muster up the courage to grab his hand before he grabs mine.

but since i've returned from my three-week holiday i've been struggling with my emotions. it has always taken me a few extra days to just settle into the change in scenery, people, and obligations following a trip. it's as if "jet-lag" gave birth to a monster and i am its caretaker. my sense of place in this world is jostled, leading me to question everything. e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. what is the meaning of life? why am i investing in a dream that will in all likelihood reap me no monetary return? is it inevitable that for every beautiful wife out there there is a husband who is tired of sleeping with her? i have two and a half men to thank for that one...

as you can imagine, this is about as fun as using the restroom in a guest's house and then realizing that there is no toilet paper. but the questions have begun to subside and i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. yesterday, a regular at my restaurant told me that god/jesus/jeramiah knows my calling in life and he will show it to me.

well, thank god/jesus/jeramiah for that!

"they're right over eastern kansas right now," says my dad.

i try to picture eastern kansas in my head. is kansas next to kentucky? sounds like they could be neighbors. i need to seriously work on my geography.

he was referring to my sister and her boyfriend, who he had dropped off at the airport at around 4:30 this morning for their flight back to san francisco. this is what my dad does. when a family member is en route to where he is (or has just left him) he will track their air travel--connecting flights included--until they safely touchdown at their final destination. for instance, as i flew from los angeles to raleigh for christmas several days ago, i knew with full confidence that my dad knew the terminal and gate number in which i was reading outside magazine while waiting in dulles international for my connecting flight. if he has it his way, my dad will show up early to the airport, park the car on the top deck, and watch as the plane that we are in gets clearance to prepare for landing. his experience serving in the navy, over a decade working for the airlines, several years piloting his own planes, and continued fascination with those magestic flying creatures (say you personally know a member of the blue angels and you'll officially have his heart) are all reasons that compel him to show this behavior flight after flight. it's his way of feeling in control of his loved ones in a situation where has no control. it's also a way, i suspect, that he feels close to us despite being hundreds of miles apart.

this just in: "they're going to be back a few minutes before 11 a.m."

hey, dad? we feel the love too :)

twentyeleven

two-zero-one-one

not merely a grouping of four numbers, for it's a way to help us conceptualize and compartmentalize our lives, and in one brief second all over the world, what was once this year becomes last year, and what was once next year becomes this year.

i drove across the country and moved to los angeles, last year.

i lost some good friends, last year.

i made some good friends, last year.

my confidence as a volleyball player was seriously shattered, challenged, and then mended, last year.

i decided i wanted to write a book, last year. but this year? i haven't done shit--not the entire year. and neither have you, but watch as all this drastically changes...

happy new year.

the morning after christmas...view from my:

bedroom window

driveway

mailbox

am i losing you?

my sister says that if i continue on this course of "blog celibacy" i will lose my readers. is that what i am doing here? has my silence translated into a resentful sense of abandonment on your part? am i losing you?

don't go. i am not lost, and you are not lost, and there should be no feeling of "loss" here on theboomeranger.

you wanna know the truth? i'm happy.

i blow up my mattress once before i go to bed and then a second time at around 3:00 a.m. almost every morning and i'm honestly, actually, despite this, happy. i've been reading a sizable amount of material the past few weeks to try and get my voice back but i think that there's another culprit contributing to my silence: writing when you are happy is hard. seriously. having something to rant about has served as the ignition to my creative and literary engine. reflecting on something that is negative in my life--or at least, something i perceive as being negative in my life at a given time--helps me transform a blank space into, well... a blank space with a lot of words. all that groaning and frustration seems to dissolve into something i can swallow and digest. sorry for the visual, but what comes out at the other end ends up being enlightening.

what i have to learn now is how to be in a state of happiness and still be able to write thoughtfully because part of this treacherous journey through the decade we call our twenties does include laughs, fulfillment, and joy. whodathought!?

the man of the house and his new houseguest are taking turns hitting the bong as i brew some coffee and defrost the blueberries that will go with my yogurt and crushed pecan morning creation.

"you workin'?" he says nonchalantly, noticing my fingers typing away on the keyboard.

"well, no...not today." pause. "i write, so, i pretend like i am getting paid."

"sure, just because you aren't getting paid doesn't mean that you aren't working."

(so true)

"...and just because you are getting paid doesn't mean you are working!" i offer back as he walks towards his corner of the couch.

nothing like some wisdom on a sunday morning.

golden retriever

the parents of the kids i was babysitting for are back together. he had been cheating on her since she was six months pregnant and apparently she had had enough and left the house--and him--with her baby girl in tow. that was about two weeks ago. now they are back together, because he is again the man that she met and fell in love with. the phrase "cold turkey" was even used to express his loyalty and devotion...in quotations...in a text message...to me. yah, a real golden retriever that husband is. and now i am being asked for my schedule next week because life goes on and kids still need to be picked up from school, driven to karate, and fed dinner.

well, that's exactly what i intend to do myself: go on. move on.

i had something of theirs that i had to return. a bike. a little red cruiser with a basket. they had kindly lent it to me for a couple weeks. i just had to return that bike. so yesterday i rode over and locked it to a tree outside their house. then i ran, literally ran to the beach and sat there for a while with the sun on my face and the sand in my feet and music in my ears.

as of now, they do not know that i am moving on...that i can't imagine being in that house again and making conversation with him. there is already too much negative energy in this world...why the hell would i invite it into my life? i feel sorry for those kids, i really do. but i have to put myself first. when i have my own family, they will come first. but now? i come first. it just has to be that way.